Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles

It's funny how my childhood affinity for Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles has blinded me from ever thinking critically about the cartoon. As much as I want to respect it as an art, it is nothing if not a blatant commercial attempt to appeal to as many kids as possible:

Teenage - old enough to be looked up to, but not old enough to be uncool adults
Mutant - supernatural in a slightly creepy but inoffensive way
Ninja - kids love karate and fighting
Turtles - reptiles are kind of the best at that age, and turtles are probably the least "disgusting" reptile around

Oh and if the turtles title characteristics weren't enough, they also exclusively eat pizza and lived in a sewer. What kids don't love pizza and bathroom humor? They just piled on as many things as they could think of that would pander to children.

I don't care if I was just five, I'm kind of belatedly ashamed that I fell victim to such an intense marketing campaign. I bought tickets to the movies, the action figures, and even the breakfast cereal. Shame on them for playing into my youthful lack of media savvy.

It no only makes me angry, it makes me want to make my own cartoon. Preteen Radioactive Astronaut Cheetahs. Sure, it's a muddied concept that lacks integrity, but I'd make millions.

I guess I've been right all along: the Ninja Turtles are super gay.