Here's to Drinking What I Like with the People I Like

Today's a special day, so don't forget to take your mother to Applebee's!


I went to Applebee's last weekend, where I found this advertisement on the table. The promise of a "special flower... while supplies last" sounds like a real treat for moms! I'm especially partial to the text that fills out the bottom: "This Mother's Day we're serving Moms all day long." As opposed to the holiday last year when Applebee's refused to seat mothers after noon in what turned out to be a PR fiasco. No wonder they're throwing in a limited supply of flowers.

Even if I were on the same side of the country as my Mom, I wouldn't bring her to Applebee's though. That place sucks, but it's a mainstream chain, so most people don't seem to notice. I noticed, however, on my previous trip to the establishment, when my coworker memorably told me I "need to get out more" after I admit it was my first trip to Applebee's.

I not-too-strictly vowed to never go back, but when I hung out with Lindsay and her family and friends after her amazing dance performance, the plan was to go to Applebee's. Many of the people had also gone the night before, which made a repeat trip all the more preposterous to me, but as they pointed out, where else can you eat and drink locally at midnight? (Honestly, the town I live in all but shuts down by 9pm -- it's really time to move.) So while it was, in a way, the only practical option, I still think we should have more seriously considered a freeway median as a more preferable location.

I ordered a mudslide and was surprised to find that it was just a milkshake. Checking the beverage menu, I realized that the small text under the mudslide explained that it included just a little bit of Kahlua and nothing else, in spite of being more expensive than a normal alcoholic beverage at any other place I've been. I felt bamboozled and was about to become irritated, but then I started laughing at the suggested toasts in the margins of the menu. "Here's to drinking what I like with the people I like!" I found it so hokey, that I said it no fewer than five times throughout the night to celebrate. In truth, I wasn't drinking what I liked... and the people... well, I mean, most of them are all right. Another toast was "Here's to old friends and older secrets." I'm not even sure what that means, not to mention why I would toast to it. If the secrets are older than your friends, that means you've been keeping things from them. You might as well say, "Here's to staying discreet about our pasts to maintain our current friendships. Thanks to Applebee's for keeping their drinks weak and, in turn, our lips tight." As a writer undergoing a job search, my unemployment seems even more ridiculous since I know I can write better copy for their menus and ads.

Then again, Applebee's probably isn't hiring me based on this post. Looks like I'll have to drown my sorrows. Here's to drinking what I like with the people I like... somewhere other than Applebee's.