It's No Bag Deal

“Oh, I don’t need a bag, thanks.”

If there’s one sentence I say more than any other in my life, it’s that one. I hate plastic bags and their impact on the environment, so I avoid them as best I can. Half the time, I’m only buying a thing or two anyway, so my purchase will conveniently fit in my own hands. I’ve learned to deliver my bag line quickly, since if the cashier reaches the bag first, ey will often crumple it up and throw it in a trash basket rather than just giving it to the next customer. Obviously, the wasting of the bag was not what I was going for, but not every Target employee is a genius like that.

When I know I’m going to buy more than two hands can carry, like for a trip to the grocery store, I’ll bring reusable bags. I’ll admit, I was resistant to reusable tote bags for a long time, mainly because they seemed so lame. When I used to spot someone with canvas bags, it would signal, “That person cares… maybe too much.” It’s funny how societal pressures dictate that it’s uncool to reduce our ecological footprint, like when my coworkers harangued me for recycling.

Even though it’s silly to feel silly for doing what we should all feel responsible to do, my way of compromising and hopefully not looking like a middle-aged hippy dippy was to just bring back old plastic bags the stores. Reusing crumpled up plastic bags made me look at least a bit less unsophisticated, which is an aesthetic for which I genuinely strive. I brought back some old bags to a grocery store that I had been reusing for more than six months. The bagger made a semi-condescending comment to me about how I must have been using these for a long time since they had “Happy Holidays” printed on it and it was then late summer. I just kind of shrugged, wondering why it mattered that I kept reusing them, when the bagger suddenly screamed and grabbed at her eye.

“Are you okay?” the cashier asked. “Something just flew out of this bag and went in my eye,” responded the bagger, who then left to go flush out whatever it was. Whoops. After wondering what the harm was, I had actually managed to injure someone with my ratty, dirty plastic bags. It was the most dangerous incident I witnessed at a grocery store since I saw someone attempt suicide. From them on, I started using canvas bags.

As more people use tote bags, the stigma decreases. Now, I’m proud to hand over my own bags at the register. With that in mind, I freaked out when I saw a network news teaser that said, “Reusable bags are all the rage, but are they DANGEROUS TO YOUR HEALTH? That and more at 11.”

Oh great, just scare people out of going green, that’s real responsible. When will “the news” officially become a synonym for hyperbole? Apparently, a research study using 25 (what a sample size!) reusable bags found that more than half had bacteria present. Bacteria is literally everywhere, but for some reason, the media is willing to sensationalize it to the point where you believe that your reusable bags could kill you.

I learned from the Consumerist that theplastics industry funded this faulty study, and they sure wouldn’t want to scare you into using as much plastic as possible, now would they? They suck! People suck! The media sucks! Corporations suck! Basically, I hate everyone.

Wait -- who am I trying to help save the world for, again?