Kevin Is What's in Your Head

As the Internet becomes increasingly pervasive in our everyday lives, new social norms are routinely created. When I first heard the word “netiquette” years ago, I think I threw up in my mouth a little bit. Nevertheless, after being ostracized by a message board for homophobic comments, being threatened with legal action for blog content, and unknowingly having my picture taken and posted on MySpace, I must acknowledge that there is a “netiquette,” a set of rules we play by on the Internet, whether we are aware we are to abide by them or not.

In the past two years, Facebook, a social network for college students (and now, frankly, any uneducated dingy), has had its community create all sorts of rules for itself. On Sunday, Susan and I discussed the strange dynamic wherein the site is clearly meant for stalking, yet stalking must be done anonymously. While it’s fun to read the latest your friends and, more often, your acquaintances have posted about themselves, acknowledging that you’re spending time doing so is considered highly lame. What you learn on Facebook stays on Facebook. (The same, by the way, tends to be true for this blog. Most of y’all won’t admit to reading this, and I respect that.) For the most part, I adhere to the unwritten rules of Facebook: don’t post on your own wall, don’t update your profile too frequently, don’t admit that you check the website several times a day. Other than that time I registered Ted as a child molester via Facebook, I consider myself a good Facebook user.

On Facebook, there is an option known as a Status. Here you can update people on your immediate goings-on. To offer an analogy, status : Facebook :: away message : Instant Messenger. Occasionally I update my status, but rarely to actually indicate what I am currently doing, because that seems a little too stalker-friendly. (Remember, you’re not supposed to appear as though you want to be stalked, even though if you use the site with any regularity, you clearly do.) The format is always one of “Kevin is…” at which point I fill in the rest. For example, I could say “Kevin is a vagina lips donkey.” Anyway, on Sunday, shortly after my phone call with Susan, I was listening to my music on shuffle (because randomness is my favorite approach to life) and on came The Cranberries’s song “Zombie.” I listened to it twice consecutively because I like its anger. It also makes me think of a time when Preston and I sang screamed it while jumping on beds, so that’s pretty fun, too. Since I was Facebooking simultaneously, I took the opportunity to change my status to indicate a fascination with the song. I had to listen to it a couple more times to get the right number of “ho”s down, but ultimately I proudly displayed: “Kevin is what's in your head. In your head. Zombie zombie zombie hey hey hey ho ho ho ho ho ho ho hey yaaa ya ya ya.”

Now you’re probably asking, Kevin, why is this a story worth sharing, you boringhead? Well, you see, after last night’s Margarita Monday, I came home drunk and didn’t start stalking on Facebook. I saw a friend was planning on attending someone’s college art show. Since I didn’t know this someone and was curious, I easily clicked on the link and was taken to eir profile. Though I recognized this person by sight, I didn’t actually know this person. Just as I was about to click and stalk elsewhere, I noticed something startling. This person’s status read: “[Deleted Name] is zo-o-ombie, zo-hombie heh heh hey.” What? How can that be? Making a “Zombie” reference n your status is just a little too obscure for this to be a coincidence. Quickly, I assume that I had been stalked and plagiarized. You’ve never seen me so drunkenly indignant. After further sleuthing, however, I realize that according to the times (yes, Facebook is that specific), this person actually had posted the status just a few hours before me.

Ahhhh! I started screaming. I ran to Michael Michael for comfort. Unknowingly, I had created a major Internet faux pas. Though I know I didn’t copy this idea from this stranger, I realized my story would be less believable than the naked Girl Scout tale. In my state, I was mortified. As I told Michael at the time, it’s one of those things that are so insignificant that it shouldn’t matter, but it does matter. It really matters, even, because it’s so embarrassing after publishing that on a site meant for stalking and judging. Because Facebook has insane statistics, I am able to learn that I have 17 mutual friends with the fellow “Zombie” enthusiast, which means as many as 17 people had easy access to seeing my folly. They will never confront me on the matter, because they will have to stick to the story that they were never stalking, but I bet at least a half dozen of those people caught that not-likely-coincidence and thought me ridiculous. Of course, by telling this story, I’m at least tripling the number of people who think me ridiculous for getting so worked up on the matter.

I deleted the status to hide my tracks. I told Michael that I did “not acknowledge glit,” (I was drunk, I couldn’t say “guilt,” apparently), so I changed my status to “Kevin is not acknowledging glit.” I think I’m okay now, but the embarrassment still lingers. You believe me, right? Please? Don’t judge. It looks like I owe Filthy Retarded Plagiarist Helen Keller the benefit of the doubt. Probably an apology, too. Many apologies, even.

Speaking of the song “Zombie,” another reason to love it is that it was featured on my favorite comedy currently on television, The Office. I know that the musical choices selected for The Office are supposed to be outdated and cheesy, but it’s ironic and right up my alley.

For example, “Lovefool” was my cell phone ringtone for nearly three years:

This one goes out to Susan who has adopted Alanis Morissette’s “You Oughta Know” as one of her karaoke staples… can you top The Office’s Kevin?:

I recently have fallen for the Indigo Girls:

From Kermit to Andy, it’s “The Rainbow Connection”:

And this medley is fantastic, especially since it culminates with my former flame Jewel:

Other amazingly strange yet compelling songs that are featured on The Office, but that I cannot find YouTube clips for include: “Mambo No. 5” – Lou Bega, “Tiny Dancer” – Elton John, “I’ve Had the Time of My Life” – Bill Medley, “Everybody Hurts” – REM, “We Didn’t Start the Fire” & “The Longest Time” – Billy Joel, “Here I Go Again” – Whitesnake, “Islands in the Stream” – Dolly Parton & Kenny Rogers, “Teach Your Children” – Crosby Stills Nash & Young, “Angel of the Morning” – Merrilee Rush, “Goodbye My Lover” – James Blunt, “We Belong” – Pat Benatar, “Your Body Is a Wonderland” – John Mayer, “Up Where We Belong” – Joe Cocker & Jennifer Warnes, “Carry on Wayward Son” – Kansas, and of course, “My Humps” – The Black Eyed Peas. What a collection. I could be made to use these songs as karaoke tracks daily for the rest of my life, and I would die with a smile on my face. In fact, I’m going to make a mix CD with these tracks because I’m a loser. (Note, I’m a loser, not a Facebook status stealer.)

I’d like to officially award The Office with a Dundy for making me feel better about this whole “Zombie” misunderstanding.