King Kong

If I could describe King Kong in just three words, they would be these: three hours long. I tried watching it on an airplane and had to fast forward through a lot of it just to reach the end before deplaning. Someone needs to pick up the pace by about an hour, Peter Jackson, Mr. Lord of the (bo)Rings. (You can tell I'm worked up when I make a stupid little joke like that and still think I'm absolutely clever.) It's King Kong, we don't need long, wistful, artistic shots interrupting the oversized monkey action. It's well over an hour before we even see Kong; Jack Black is simply not large enough to hold my interest in the meantime.

On the plus side, this movie supports my dislike of chivalry. As soon as everyone escapes from the death trap of an island with just one casualty, they should cut their losses and run. Instead, they realize the blonde woman is missing and turn around to save her - and you can guess what happens next. Chivalry might not be dead, but those who enact it are. All for some silly woman who proves she is perfectly capable of repeatedly narrowly escaping death on her own, thankyouverymuch. I agree with Naomi Watts, though: the gorilla is more attractive than Adrien Brody.

Additionally, this movie provides conclusive evidence as to why dinosaurs went extinct: apes. Giant fucking apes.

My rating: 2/5 Very Large Bananas.

No comments: