The Doctor's Appointment

I had a doctor's appointment today. In the fall, I'll have my own health benefits and my own big person doctor. Until then, however, I'm twenty-two and still visiting a pediatrician. I'm only slightly embarrassed walking through the door, on which hangs an advertisement announcing infant ear-piercing. Lest you think that sounds irresponsible, the fine print clearly states that babies under two months will not be pierced. After checking in inside, I'm given a survey to fill out, which asks me if I drink alcohol and about my stages of puberty. When the nurse collects it, she says this quiz is meant for patients under twenty-one and apologizes that it isn't really age appropriate. I tell the nurse it's no big deal, I'm the one that's not age appropriate. Laughing, she sort of flirts with me. It doesn't go to my head, however, as I realize that she's just not used to having patients two years her junior. So I flirt back, even though she's wearing baby animal patterned scrubs... or perhaps because she's wearing baby animal patterned scrubs. I do my best to act mature, an especially difficult task for me, and I'm doing a good job until it comes time for shots. She notices me turn away and asks if I'm scared. No, I explain, I just don't like blood, so I'd rather not look. "That's okay," she tells me. "I'll look enough for the both of us."

After the appointment, I'm referred for a cholesterol test, "not that it looks like [I] need it." Given some papers, I ask what I'm supposed to do with it. "Oh, you take it to a facility and have the test done." "Now?" I ask. "Sure." I stare blankly, before finally asking, "What am I supposed to do with this again?" This time I'm given more specific instructions. "And where do I go? I'm sorry, I'm just starting to try to be a real person," I explain. The nurse smiles then gives me directions to a facility just down the road, telling me I "can't miss it." Clearly, she doesn't know my tendency to get lost; where there's a will, there's a way - a wrong way at that.

I find the address without a problem and enter the office. The waiting room has about a dozen people, none under the age of 75. I've now hit both extremities after coming from the pediatricians. I give the receptionist my forms, only to be told I was in the wrong building. Pointed to another building, I enter it but find no useful signs. Consequently, I spend nearly ten minutes searching through an abandoned building, randomly opening doors to empty rooms. After giving up the search, I'm on my way back to the car when I notice a sign on the entry door explaining that the office has moved, directing me to yet another building. I find the third building and hand the receptionist the paperwork. "Am I in the right place?" She checks it over. "Yes. Aren't you a little young for a cholesterol test?" "Yeah, and I was too old for the pediatrician that sent me here." She laughs. Hmm, maybe I am that charming with nurses. "And you've fasted for twelve hours?" "What?" "You're supposed to fast for at least twelve hours before you take the test. They didn't tell you that?" "No, they forgot to mention that, funny enough. Well, I guess I'll come back another time." Handing me back my forms, she adds, "They have you marked as a female, by the way." Looking at the papers, I see that, indeed, the female box is checked. I'll admit, I'm a bit insulted. Normally, this is the type of thing that wouldn't bother me, but the doctor filled out that form just moments after feeling my genitals.