Happy "Birthday," Mr. President

Happy "Birthday," President Obama.

I bought him a present, but he'll need to show a birth certificate before he can obtain my gift. I'm not being silly, I apply the same standard to all of my friends.

Look, I'm not a birther, though, as a child, I did want to be a midwife when I grew up. That or a firefighter. Other children want to grow up to be the President - but they can't because foreign good-for-nothing impostors fake their citizenship and take that job!

Hmm... taking a job from real (read: white) Americans... has anyone checked whether Obama's birth certificate is from Mexico?

People have this controversy all wrong. I believe that Obama was born in Hawaii as he claims, but that only makes him half-American at best! Hawaii is the baby state, and I use the term "state" loosely. As the newest state, it should still be subject to hazing before we fully initiate it. Just because Eisenhower won Hawaii in a poker game, doesn't mean we have to let it join our club.

How do we know that Obama wasn't dropped on Bama-Mama's doorstep by a kamikaze instead of a stork?

And what's with having only twelve letters in their alphabet?
Words that the Hawaiian alphabet cannot spell: American, democracy, patriot,
Words that the Hawaiian alphabet can spell: hell, kill, pimp, wino, lame
I'm not saying, I'm just saying...

"Only eligible in the continental United States" is common text in the fine print of contests. I'd like to argue that that should be extended to the U.S. Presidency as well. If we kept it continental, we'd be able to wash our hands of Sarah Palin, too. Don't tell me that's not a fair trade-off.

And if you still need proof that Hawaii is not a real state, look no further than America's Next Top Model. Each year, the models travel to a foreign destination for some worldly experience. This upcoming season, the girls are going to Hawaii. Tyra Banks knows what's what.

I've laid out some damning evidence. Obama is unconstitutionally our President and, like, turning us socialist. I literally feel socialism inside my body. It's worse than swine flu.

On the other hand, if Obama is socialist, that means he has to share everything with us. -- even birthdays. So Happy Birthday to us all!