In last night’s final presidential debate, this was John McCain and Barrack Obama’s final opportunity to square off on the most important issue of the campaign. Not the economy, not the war, not health care… but Joe the Plumber. Move over Joe Lieberman, Joe Biden, and even Joe Six Pack: Joe the Plumber is now the most famous Joe in politics.
What was that about? Whose pipes did Joe have to fix to be referenced by name a whopping 26 times throughout the debate? I like to imagine that Joe the Plumber was at a bar playing a drinking game during the debates, and got thoroughly inebriated just by taking a sip each time his name was mentioned.
It must be an honor for Joe to have the two most important people in the country vying for your respect in front of a national audience, particularly as someone who spends his days sticking his hands down other people’s toilets. This year, let’s all stay home from the polls and let the election be decided by a lone ballot: the one cast by Joe the Plumber. Afterwards, his candidate of choice can appoint him Secretary of Leaky Faucets.
Moving past our friend with the wrench, as a former educator, I was most intrigued by the education portion of the debate. Hearing their stances side by side was helpful, and having seen the woes of public education up close, I legitimately found Obama’s perspective and plan to be practical and necessary.
But just as I thought Obama had clinched my vote, McCain countered with a trump card. Granted, I thought his overall educational vision was crap, but McCain managed to intrigue me with part of his educational plan: “We find bad teachers another line of work.”
It’s like he was speaking directly to me, but instead of being Joe the Plumber, my name is Kevin the Bad Teacher. I tried my hand in the profession, recognized I wasn’t cut out for it, and now I’m ready to be placed in my promised new line of work, please. In truth, I could really use your help on this one, McCain. I understand you’ve been too busy with this whole Bill Ayers issue to take the time to reexamine the economy lately, but in spite of this magical bailout solution, the job market is still in the shitter (no disrespect intended to Joe the Plumber.)
Help me out with a career, McCain, and I’ll give you my vote. Come on, just hook an old friend up. Remember when we met seven years ago? And by “met,” I mean that time I awkwardly stood fifteen feet away from you to pose for a photograph.
See, check out that tie; I can clean myself up and look fairly respectable when I try, so I’m definitely employable. Forget Joe the Plumber: finding Kevin the Bad Teacher “a new line of work” should become a top priority for McCain. You can even re-suspend your campaign if this task requires your utmost attention.
3 comments:
That photo is amazing. Particularly because, while you look much younger than you do today, McCain still looks exactly the same .
That's just proof that he does not age and will not, as people are concerned, die in office -- or ever.
awww little kevy wevyyyyyy.
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