I watched the Grammys and here are 17 thoughts I had. It's kind of like a live-blog, except that I'm turning it in late. You can dock 10% from my grade.
1. LL Cool J gave a lengthy, self-indulgent speech about himself to open the Grammys that he had planned to deliver at last year's ceremony, but scrapped when Whitney Houston died. It's a shame another high-profile singer didn't die today so we could have skipped it this year, too.
2. "Why give a diamond when you can give the family jewels? CBS cares." I know it's not technically the Grammys, but this PSA encouraging men to give themselves a self-check for testicular cancer on Valentine's Day as a gift for their significant other is pretty laughable. "Hey honey, I cancelled our dinner reservations and just figured I'd fondle my balls for you instead. I love you."
3. The newly instituted Grammy Dress Code is the result of Lena Dunham's attendance, isn't it?
4. Why is the music the Grammys play to get winners to wrap up their speeches the most horrible instrumental song ever? In a room with over 1,000 musicians, they're using a song that elevator companies would reject.
5. Jay-Z mouthing "You're welcome" after the band fun. thanked him for no reason is the only GIF I'm gonna need from tonight.
6. I'm not sure you can call Johnny Depp a "presenter" when he refuses to say more than seven words. He also should stay clear of describing a band as "sublime" because it inevitably leads to disappointment when the band is not, in fact, Sublime.
7. When I see Sting's wife in the audience, I can't help but sympathize for a woman who has her husband on top of her for six hours at a time.
8. Everyone secretly knows that "Suit and Tie" isn't a good song, right? My theory is that people have just missed Justin Timberlake music so much that they're pretending to like it so that they don't hurt his feelings and make him disappear forever.
9. I swear, both Pauley Perrette and Kaley Cuoco will show up to any event with a camera. I don't watch their shows, yet I still end up seeing them making "appearances" on a weekly basis.
10. I'll have whatever Kelly Clarkson's drinking.
11. Watching Melissa Etheridge in the audience chant "ho. hey." along to the Lumineers's song is cute; seeing Taylor Swift do the same is not.
12. Stop trying to make the phrase "#GrammyMoment" happen. Not every subpar Rihanna vocal is automatically some magical "Grammy Moment." And when you say "Carrie Underwood is about to make a Grammy moment," my first thought is that it's a euphemism for a bowel movement.
13. When Elton John referenced the Sandy Hook kids' lives ending too soon as he sat behind a piano, I was afraid he'd be break into "Candle in the Wind". That man will milk that song for any occasion.
14. Yo, Kimbra: when Prince - a man who was wearing jewels instead of a shirt - gives you the side-eye because of your gaudy dress, you know you've gone over-the-top.
15. On the one hand, it was kind of embarrassing watching Mavis Staples try to dominate her collaboration with gratuitous ad-libs during the "in memoriam" song. On the other hand, it must be hard for her to cope with the fact that she's just a year away from being one of the deceased honorees.
16. Even though I listen to that song on the daily, Frank Ocean's performance of "Forrest Gump" was the worst of the night. But I'm still glad he beat Chris Brown, which, as I understand, is the opposite of what happened a couple of weeks ago.
17. Oops, I'm taking back my "worst performance of the night" comment - didn't realize that LL Cool J insisted on closing the show with a rap as well. Ladies may Love Cool James, but I'd just assume not see him anymore… outside of a Deep Blue Sea sequel.