You know how people defend marriage equality by saying "If you don't like gay marriage, don't get gay married?" Well, I am a homophobe's worst nightmare because I won't give you a say in the matter. In fact, I have been known to gay marry people without their knowledge.
Little known fact about me: I am an ordained minister. It was a long, grueling, ordeal - or maybe just a five minute process on the internet - for me to become a minister of the Universal Life Church. In doing so, I joined the esteemed ranks of Conan O'Brien, Tony Danza, Tori Spelling, Courtney Love, and Hugh Hefner. With a click of the mouse, I am now able to marry you… although I wouldn't be insulted if you went with Tony Danza as your officiator instead.
The problem was, as a freshman in college, I didn't know anyone looking to get married. After having my certification for a while, I got antsy and wanted to put it to use… with or without a couple's permission.
That's when I found two of my female friends lying down in a dorm hallway together, half asleep. I don't know that they were quite "cuddling", but their bodies were touching somewhat, so it looked close enough to love for me.
If I had asked them whether they wanted to be married, there is a strong chance they would have declined, so I just began the ceremony without first informing them. So as not to arouse suspicion, I resorted to mutters and whispers. Unsure of what I was doing, the girls asked, "What are you saying? Can you hear what he's saying? What are you doing?"
Finally I got to the point of the ceremony where they needed to accept each other. For the more artistically inclined girl, I drew a pictogram of an eyeball and blade of grass with an arrow pointing to condensation on the top of it. "What is this?" I asked her. "Eye… eye dew?" she guessed. Then I asked the other girl, the bigger pop culture buff, to remind me the name of that Lisa Loeb song. "Stay?" she guessed. "No, the other one," I said. "I Do?"
And with that, my muttering turned to a loud voice: "I now pronounce you wife and wife!"
There were objections, primarily from the brides themselves, but I explained that it was too late. Though they never signed any legal documents to make it official official, they were now linked in holy lesbian matrimony in the eyes of the Universal Life Church and - by association, I suppose - Tori Spelling.
The legal documents are irrelevant anyway. The law can't tell you who to love. Heck, sometimes even you can't tell you who to love, and I have to decide for you. That's just part of the divine wisdom I received when obtaining my internet certification.
Ten years later, one of those girls is about to get married again… to a man, unfortunately. Talk about a quitter! And a bigamist. Perhaps if same-sex marriage were more accepted, she'd be merrily celebrating her 10th anniversary instead. Courtney Love is not going to like this outcome.
So beware, supporters of "traditional" marriage. You never know when someone might come up behind you and gay marry you without your consent. That's right, gay marriage is coming for you next! BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!