I'm Still Employed

I'm still employed.

This is slightly surprising, since over the course of two days, the following questionable offenses occurred:

1. I ask for a student whose "street name" is "Gigglez" to be quiet for the third time in as many minutes. Gigglez apologizes then continues speaking to a friend anyway. Absolutely exasperated, I contort my body in order to indicate my frustration, wrapping one arm around my back and my other bent over my shoulder. Gigglez glared at me perplexed as I held my contorted posture for emphasis. "What are you doing?" Gigglez asks. "I'm putting myself in an interesting position just for you," I reply. Before it even occurs to me to "That's what she said" myself, I hear giggles (the laughter, not the person) across my classroom. I want to burst out laughing at my own accidental innuendo, but I'm trying to make a serious point, so I keep a straight face... until I ultimately burst out laughing.

2. From time to time, I draw pictures of what I'm talking about since most students are visual learners. I have to preface these sketches with the fact that I am not and will never be their art teacher, but when I draw a pig's head on a stick with flies buzzing around it, a symbol from Lord of the Flies, my students are actually impressed. I acknowledge that it is better than most of my drawings, but the students try to tell me it is a good rendering in general. I tell them to stop sucking up, but having fun, the students continue. "Geez, you guys are so good at kissing my butt today, I'm going to give you all points in my grade book." I go to my electronic grade book and add an assignment called "Kissing My Butt." The students think it's funny, but can't believe I am actually doing it. "My mom checks that [online]," a student cautions. "So?" I respond, pretending not to care. "Wouldn't that be illegal?" another asks. "Only in this school would students assume kissing a teacher's butt is a crime," I lament. After a bit more discussion, I see that a few students are arguing that it's illegal since they are taking the phrase "kissing my butt" to be literal, prompting a necessary lesson on figurative language.

3. In another class, while discussing the same symbol and flies' propensity for swarming dead animal carcasses, someone asks why flies like poop. I explain that since it is food waste, the flies are able to take nutrients from it. Then, worried that I might have given the wrong impression, I elaborate that since it has gone through the human body, it has expelled all the things our body doesn't need, so it wouldn't be a healthy thing to eat your own poop. A student finally asks, "Why are you talking about this? Do you really think any of us are going to eat our own poop?" "It wouldn't be the dumbest thing some of you have done," I counter. For the record, yes, I talked about eating poop, yes, I implied that I was concerned some of my students might try to do so, and yes, I meant it.

4. In yet another class entirely, I am getting ready to show the last part of the 1990 film adaptation of Lord of the Flies, for which the students had to get permission slips because of mild violence and profanity. As I try to introduce the clip, I lose my cool at a group of students who don't give a crud about their education or life or anything really except being obnoxious. I scream at them, "I'm sick of your..." I catch myself before swearing, then reconsider. "No, I'm going to say it: I'm sick of your shit!" Everyone reacts in an astonished manner, since I rarely if ever swear in class. I rationalize my choice of words by explaining, "If we went through all the trouble of having your parents sign a form giving you permission to hear the 'S' word, we might as well get as much use out of it while we can."

Yup, still employed, but it's becoming increasingly confounding as to why.