KONY 2012... Pizza

So this pizza place opened up in Koreatown just one month after the whole KONY 2012 thing went viral (and then immediately imploded) and like… seriously, dudes? You stuck with this name? And put the logo on a similarly red background?

Kings of New York would ordinarily make for a cool acronym, but post Kony-gate, the number one association people will have with the name is either a notorious child murderer or a cringe-worthy internet marketing campaign that ended with some guy masturbating in public… and I'm not sure which of those is worse.

Rebrand, rebrand, rebrand!

Every Moment at the Grammys Is a #GrammyMoment

So, how many Grammy Moments did YOU have last night? I had a few… but one of them was in my pants :(

I can still taste Ringo's taint on my breath after all that secondhand Beatles ass-licking that I was exposed to.

I appreciate Daft Punk for giving us a hint of the future. Hearing humans having to repeatedly say, "The robots want me to thank…" foretells a time when humans will be doing the robots' bidding.

I didn't realize it was possible, but LL Cool J is even worse at hosting an event than he is at writing a song about race relations in America.

I came in 6th out of 870 people at predicting the Grammy winners because that shit is really easy to figure out. When in doubt, bet on the lamer, mainstream option.

I can think of no less romantic way to get married than with an impersonal, mass ceremony conducted by Queen Latifah sandwiched in between Macklemore and Madonna performances. At least they validated the point that gay marriage is equal… ly stupid to any other kind of marriage.

I've defended Macklemore previously as a guy who is conscious of his white privilege and where he fits into the music scene, but I'm done, he's a sell out. Any points he gets for acknowledging societal ills are lost when he starts milking these flaws for his own gain. Like, dude wrote a really thoughtful song, "Wings", about consumerism and violence in the name of high priced sneakers, then sold the song to the NBA who edited it into some Nike celebrating nonsense. Fuck that noise.

I, too, am tired of being told to throw my hands up in the air, Lorde, but let's never forget that she's not even the best "Lordi" in the music industry.

Did you all swoon real hard for Kacey Musgraves, too? Memba I toldja about her at least twice now, so no excuses for not being a rabid fan. Seeing her singing about kissing girls, toking, and not giving a fuck about your judgmental neighbors and then pick up two awards was my personal highlight. Forget gay marriage - conservatives should really be up in arms about liberals coming for their precious country music!

I'll Take That as a No

• Allison:I saw Varsity Blues on my first date ever. I met Kenny at the mall and he gave he a Beanie Baby.
• Me:Did it last?
• Allison:I don't know, I'd have to check my closet.
• Me:[makes a horrified face while considering the notion that Kenny has been tied up in a closet for 13 years] Oh, I meant the relationship, not the Beanie Baby.

Movie Math

All Is Lost = (Life of Pi - the tiger) x (Gravity - the excitement)

A Miscarriage of Word Choice

For the record, "Did you hear about Patty*? She's not pregnant anymore," is not the best way to convey to me that Patty gave birth to her baby.

Damn, CareerBuilder, You Got Me Pegged

I honestly wouldn't know the first thing... I can't even dress myself.

Obnoxious

While attending a wedding, I decided to be polite and reintroduce myself to an older woman I've only met once or twice and haven't seen in about 20 years.

"Hello, I'm Kev…"
She cut in immediately. "I remember you, you were such an obnoxious kid."

I froze in panic and checked her face to see if there was a hint of humor in this accusation, but it was genuine contempt. "Uh," I stammered. She either didn't pick up on my discomfort or didn't care.

"You were the most obnoxious kid. I was just thinking about you the other day and how obnoxious you were."

I didn't even know how to respond to this woman. Did she want me to apologize for some unspecified "obnoxious" thing I did in my early childhood? Her adult children seemed mortified but didn't come to my defense, so I just stared back at the woman, my mouth slightly agape, long enough for her to add one more, "Just so obnoxious!" I couldn't decide whether I was more disgusted with the words she was saying, or the fact that she spit when she spoke.

At this point, the woman had called me obnoxious four times in just fifteen seconds. As tempted as I was to call her out, I wasn't about to get in a fight at my friend's wedding.

Instead, I simply said, "I have to go" and walked away. Granted, it was pretty dumb because I obviously had nowhere else in particular to go at a wedding reception that had only just begun, but how much longer did I have to put up with a woman who was insulting my youthful former self? And "obnoxious" four times? Bitch, get a thesaurus.

Whatever, her unpleasantness spared me the trouble of having to make pleasantries with her. I may have been obnoxious as a kid, but at least I'm not an obnoxious adult.

I Like My Women

I like my women like I like my similes: condescending and unintelligible.