Kiss His Ass, Grandma

At the age of four, Andrew's parents announced the good news: Andrew would soon have a new sibling! Immediately, he went to his room and wrote a list of his favorite names, with the top choice being "Lucille." Alas, when it was determined that Lucille would instead be called Matthew, he was promised that he would be the first person allowed to hold the baby, an honor for which Andrew was very excited.

On that fateful day when Matthew came into this world, Andrew ran into the hospital room, only to discover his grandmother already holding Matthew. Rubbing it in, grandma said, "Oh, look, Andrew, look who got to hold the baby first."

And that, folks, is the definitive reason why old people should just die already.