Sharknado Tweets

To all of the people tweeting about Sharknado 2 tonight, never forget that Cory Monteith’s “thoughts” about the original Sharknado were the last things he ever tweeted. You wouldn’t want that to be your internet legacy.

Happy 10th Birthday, Jadakiss's "Why"

Jadakiss's sorta hit song "Why" turns 10 today. In celebration, a full decade later, I think I'm finally ready to take on the wholly unnecessary task of answering over 50 of Jada's disjointed rhetorical questions. 

Yo, why is Jadakiss as hard as it gets?

Viagra.

Why is the industry designed to keep the artist in debt?

Capitalism's a sham, man.

And why them dudes ain't riding if they part of your set?

No loyalty.

And why they never get it popping but they party to death?

People enjoy revelry. 

Yeah and why they gonna give you life for a murder?

It's a punishment meant to discourage people from committing this crime.

Turn around only give you eight months for a burner?

It seems fair to have a much lighter punishment for possessing an illegal gun, then say, using that gun to kill someone.

Why they selling niggas CDs for under a dime?

Yo, I just saw Paula Cole's album in the discount bin, too; the discount bin is color blind.

And if it's all love, daddy, why you come with your 9?

Hey, Jada, you're the one who's talking about lowering the punishment for murder, maybe that's why your friend wants a little protection around you.

Why my niggas ain't get that cake?

If they tell the waitress it's their birthday, they'll probably bring a slice.

Why is a brother up north better than Jordan that ain't get that break?

The Toronto Rappers are trying as hard as they can!

Why you don't stack instead of trying to be fly?

Consumerism encourages people to spend money on stupid crap rather than save it.

Why is ratting at an all time high?

One man's tattletale is another man's whistleblower.

Why are you even alive?

I'm definitely not prepared to answer such an open-ended existential question.

Why they kill 2pac and Chris?

Since their murderers were never apprehended, it's hard to speak to their motivations.

Why at the bar you ain't take straight shots instead of poppin' Cris?

There was a champagne happy hour special.

Why them bullets have to hit that door?

That was the direction they were aimed in.

Why did Kobe have to hit that raw?

Raping someone with a condom might have left less evidence, but that's hardly the real problem with someone who, you know, raped someone.

Why'd he kiss that whore?

Uh, I'm not going to cosign calling an alleged rape victim a "whore."

Why?

Because it's misogynistic and terrible.

Why do niggas push pounds and powder?

Let's not act like you don't help to promote drug culture, Jada. 

Why did Bush knock down the towers?

We've got a Truther in the house!

Why you around them cowards?

They're my friends.

Why Aaliyah have to take that flight?

She couldn't just live in the Bahamas indefinitely.

Why my nigga D ain't pull out his Ferrari?

The gas mileage is pretty shitty.

Why he take that bike?

Cycling is a healthy activity.

Why they gotta open your package and read your mail?

It's fun to be nosy.

Why they stop letting niggas get degrees in jail?

I agree, inmates should have access to an education.

Why you gotta do 85% of your time?

Better than 100%, I suppose.

And why do niggas lie in 85% of they rhymes?

It's only like 50% of their rhymes… oh I see what you did there, Jada.

Why a nigga always want what he can't have?

The grass is always greener on the other side.

Why I can't come through in the pecan Jag?

I approve of this ride.

Why did crack have to hit so hard?

That sounds like good crack to me.

Even though it's almost over, why niggas can't get no jobs?

Bigoted corporate America is less likely to hire African American candidates.

Why they come up with the witness protection?

To protect people who testify against dangerous criminals.

Why they let the Terminator win the election?

For whatever reason, over 50% of Californian voters selected Arnold to be their governor.

Why I sell in the stores what you could sell in the streets?

Perhaps your album isn't selling because your music isn't as good as you believe.

Why I say the hottest shit but we sellin' the least?

Again, Jada may be overestimating the quality of his tunes.

Why Halle have to let a white man pop her to get an Oscar?

Her roles in Bulworth and The Flintstones just weren't award worthy.

Why did Denzel have to be crooked before he took it?

He actually won his first Oscar for portraying an upstanding Civil War soldier.

Why they didn't make the CL6 with a clutch?

This is a very specific complaint. Since you're a celebrity, maybe they'll custom make one for you.

And if you don't smoke why the hell are you reaching for my dutch?

Someone is trying to mooch that weed.

Why rap?

It's your calling, Jada.

Why be on the curb with a "Why lie? I need a beer" sign?

If you're poor and looking for a buzz, it's worth a shot.

Why all the young niggas is dying?

Cholera is making an unfortunate comeback in parts of Africa.

Why they ain't give us a cure for AIDS?

Scientific research takes time.

Why my diesel have fiends in the spot on the floor for days?

This drug reference is over my head.

Why you screaming like it's a slug?

Slugs are gross and sort of scary.

Why my buzz in LA ain't like it is in New York?

Having grown up in NYC, Jada's core fan base is his hometown.

Why they forcing you to be hard?

Peer pressure.

Why ain't you a thug by choice?

It's okay to not want to be a thug.

Why the whole world love my voice?

This seems like a bit of a stretch for a mediocre rapper.

And you know they made them new twenties? 'Cause I got all the old ones, that's why.

Well, he finally answered one of his own questions, but it's suspicious how he claims his album isn't selling well and the record label doesn't pay him properly, but he basically has all of America's old money stockpiled.

My Neighbor Caught Me Messing Around with Her Dog's Poop

My house shares a yard with a couple of other units, and one of these neighbors recently got a new puppy. I think when she got the puppy she thought mainly of the cuteness and less about the responsibility because things haven't been going so well on that front. The dog is left in the yard barking and whining for hours at a time, and while I'm not wild about that, I'm even less in love with the shit all over the yard. Dogs poop, so I don't object to that, but I don't like that our shared yard is now a literal minefield of crap. Like, clean it up every so often!

I meant to address this issue with my neighbor like an adult, but before I got around to that, I had a friend over one day and she shouted, "WHY IS THERE DOG SHIT ALL OVER YOUR YARD?" Right after, I realized that the neighbor was standing at the adjacent and open window and must have heard the comment. That's not how I wanted her to hear that message, but I wasn't upset that it happened because at least she'd take the hint.

Except that the "hint" was ignored. A month worth's of poop amassed in the yard including several piles right outside my own front door. I decided my best course of action was just to just wait for the landlady to show up on the first of the month to pick up rent because she'd definitely say something about the mess.

On the 30th, however, my neighbor went around and picked up the poop. That meant she knew she was about to get and trouble, yet waited until the last moment to get rid of the problem. Of course, she didn't bother with the poop around my door, which would not be visible to my landlady.

So I devised a plan: I would move some of the remaining poop closer to the front so that the landlady would see it. It's silly, it's gross, and it's passive aggressive, but I genuinely thought it was a good plan.

I waited until 1:30 am so that I could do it secretly. With a couple of napkins, I scooped up dried out poop using both hands and made my way to the front yard. It was only as I was in the process of relocating the poop in a new spot on the ground that I realized that my neighbor was sitting silently in the dark on the porch. Panicked, I picked the poop back up and shoved it in my pocket and ran back into my house as my neighbor watched.

I can't be sure of what she saw or more importantly what she thinks she saw, but since the motion sensor light next to me had turned on, I have to assume she did see me doing something with her's dog poop. In retrospect, I should have put it in the trashcan rather than my pockets as if to indicate, "See, I have to pick up your dog's poop!" but I was caught off guard.

I don't even know whether it'd be better if my neighbors thought I was being conniving by recreating the poop mess or that I'm plain crazy and randomly playing with dog poop super late at night. Either way, I'm super embarrassed and feel like an idiot for not realizing this "good plan" was bound to backfire on me.