Keeping Track

On invitation by Andrew, I've spent two of the past three Sundays at the local race track. If you're picturing NASCAR, you're thinking the wrong kind of horsepower. I'm talking real horses, the creatures whose hooves are used to make gelatin and are infamous for fucking Catherine the Great to death. (All right, both of those are just urban legends, but at least you know what I'm talking about.)

As someone whose only exposure to horse racing was the Kentucky Derby, I severely overestimated the class level at the tracks. I anticipated women in sundresses and big floppy hats and equally dapper men, but in actuality, the tracks are fairly trashy. Filled with litter and vice, it's a little skeezy, in spite of the fact that the horses were probably purchased for more than most homes. Mind you, I'm not putting the tracks down, this odd atmosphere actually put me at ease.

On Sundays, it is Kids' Day at the tracks, which meant special deals: one dollar entry, one dollar hotdogs, and one dollar beers. You know how the kids love cheap beer. I did, at any rate, and got four at a time. But I did feel bad for all of the kids I did see present. Some parents can't afford a babysitter since they blow all of their cash at the tracks, evidently. Sure there are horses, but it's not exactly a petting zoo. The kids inevitably get bored and resort to "horseplay" if you will (and please do - the horse puns don't end here); bringing children to the tracks is only slightly more humane than locking them in the car with the windows up.

Horse racing is an odd ritual, because races only occur every half an hour, with each one lasting about a minute altogether. It all happens so quickly that I can't even orient myself and don't realize which horse has won until they put the results on the screen. In the last twenty seconds, everyone else starts screaming as if they understand what is happening - and they probably do - so I join in and yell whatever, too. I'm such a dirty conformist.

I realized that in order to have more investment in the activity, I needed to put some money on the line. You know me, I am partial to low stakes gambling. There were a few issues, however. For starters, I didn't understand the betting system. I found a machine, but didn't understand how to make that work either - it made no (horse) sense.

Finally, I went to a booth with an actual person in it, pled ignorance, and ey helped me put my money on my horse of choice, Schill. (As I explained to myself, I felt like a bit of a shill just for participating.) When the race finally occurred, Schill came in second place and I won $2.40! That's more than two beers. I still didn't really understand what was going on, but I knew not to look a gift horse in the mouth.

The next race I picked Always Auditioning, because as someone avidly seeking new employment, I feel that I, too, am always auditioning. As it turned out, Always Auditioning and I also have bad luck in common, and I lost my bet. Things turned around the next race when I won $4.60 off of Pirate's Charm (can you really bet against a pirate?) third place victory, but then I got cocky and lost all of my earnings in stupid subsequent bets. I wasn't just not picking winners, I was picking last-placers.

My favorite part of the horse races are the horses' names. They're so clever that it makes me want to own a horse just so I can name it. Of course, I'd just want to keep changing its name each time I thought of a new witty phrase, and have no real desire to actually race it, so don't let me follow through on this impulse, please. One of my favorite horse names, Kayakitiyak, belonged to a 50-1 long-shot, on whom I lost some dough. My ultimate favorite, however, is Princess Integrity, because I like a woman with honor. It turned out that this horse is actually a male, but that only makes my fondness for Princess Integrity even stronger.

On our next trip to the tracks, I first bet on Be Realistic (ARG) because I like to consider myself practical. The "(ARG)" part indicates that the horse is from Argentina, but Allison and I liked pronouncing the ARG as part of the name, perhaps an homage to Pirate's Charm that won us money last time. Apparently, we were the ones not being realistic, because the reality was that Be Realistic was a shitty horse and we lost our money. That left us wailing "ARGGGG" in frustration.

Then I switched my betting strategy, looking not for money, but life guidance. Seeing as I'm at a crossroad trying to decide where to live next, I put money on two potential locations "My City by the Bay" and "L.A. Devine." Neither won, so not only did I lose more money, but it looks like I'm going to have to look for signs elsewhere.

Down on my luck, I was prepared to grab a noose and be hung like a horse, but then I changed my betting strategy one last time to one of compromising my values. I chose the ones with the douchiest names, like Brendolyn and Uncle Jeep, at which point I had a few consecutive victories. Sure, I sold out, I'll never be the Princess Integrity I wish I could be, but I would have managed to recoup all of my losses, were it not for the dumb side bets I kept placing with (and losing to) Adam.

I could break down each bet even further, but I don't want to beat a dead horse. If Princess Integrity weren't such a horse on a high horse, she he could beat a dead horse in a race. In fact, that's probably the only way he'd be able to win. Apologies, Princess, that was a low blow; I'm just horsing around.

My firmest memories of the races will have nothing to do with gambling, however, but of my friends. Andrew managed to take a nap in the middle of it all, which was a remarkable feat. I wouldn't have taken any odds that that would even be possible. At another moment, we all were so hungry we could eat a horse. Given the situation, though, that would be tacky, so we settled for scavenging for half-consumed pizza, popcorn, soda, and beer that strangers had left behind in their seats. Yeah, that might actually be tackier than eating a horse, but none of us expressed qualms about eating rejected leftovers. While it might not ever elevate us to be royalty of integrity, if you ask me, that's a true sign of good friends.

Try Really Upholding the Sanctity of Marriage

Allison, rationalizing necrophilia: "''Til death do you part' is such a fucking cop out."

Advancements

Kevin: When did you get basic cable?
Andrew: About two weeks ago when we got broadband Internet.
Kevin: No more dial-up Internet? Welcome to the rest of the world.
Andrew: Thanks. I love YouTube.

Now and Later

Lena: Want a Now and Later?
Kevin: No thanks, I have a root beer barrel in my mouth.
Lena: Well then, don't have it now, have it later!

Say Cheese

Gramma is living proof that your face really can get stuck like that.

Nevertheless, her milkshake still seems to bring all the boys to the yard.

(I found this photo in a pile of junk at a flea market.)

Election Reflection

I cried on Election night. Barack Obama's victory was touching in ways I hadn't anticipated; though it has been expected as of late, it is quite a powerful thing to see it come to fruition. While I am not a Democrat, I have been swept up in Obama's momentum. Although I don't agree with all of his politics and methods, (still I'd hazard our perspectives correspond the majority of the time), I view him as a great leader and a great person, someone who listens to multiple perspectives, prescribes to rational thought, and isn't afraid to admit he has been wrong. I wish these qualities didn't seem so unique and refreshing, but I cannot deny having grown jaded (along with the majority of the country) through this previous administration. Despite being a habitual cynic, I, too, feel the oft-touted "hope" that comes with this new administration and am excited at the potential for greatness.

The day after the elections, I heard an interview with Ralph Nader on Democracy Now and winced a bit. I voted for Obama because he is as pleasing of a two-party candidate that we've had in recent history and I wanted to say I was part of what I hope will be amazing change, but up to the end I still contemplated casting my vote for a third-party candidate, as I feel it is the best approach to creating legitimate, long-term change. As Nader listed reasons why I still feel like I compromised my values by voting for Obama, I questioned my choice. Rather than let it get to me, however, I've resolved to give it a year. I have so much hope and positive energy, for once I'm going to put my faith in what seems to be a promising situation and not let lingering cynicism win out.

As for Prop 8, good gosh. I didn't cry over that one, mainly because I anticipated it passing, though I had been cautiously optimistic. The truth is that this vote was just one battle in what will be an ongoing war, regardless of which side succeeded.

I didn't get to address the latest comments made before the election in the original thread because other aspects of life got in my way, but I would like to thank the debaters again for their participation. Predominately, we took the discussion way beyond the cop out approach of "You're intolerant!" "No, you're intolerant!" and at the very least I can say I thoroughly understand some of your points of view, regardless of whether I've ultimately agreed.

Commenter Katia asked that if Prop 8 didn't pass, we still revisit this issue in the future to discuss the consequential threats to religious freedoms. I think it's a worthy discussion to have regardless of the outcome and subsequent lawsuits/court decisions. I have been moving/traveling and haven't able to closely follow what is being filed by whom and who is protesting who, other than hearing that a lot is happening. As I expected, there's been a lot of backlash. I think it's fair to say there's always been latent hostilities between gay rights advocates and certain religious institutions, however, after recent events, a face-off has ensued. Someone sent me a link to this site Mormons Stole Our Rights. So now we have two angry groups (note: I wouldn't characterize everyone in this movement as angry, however) trying to deprive one another of rights. It seems to me that both groups would be better off if they let one another be rather than try to restrict the others' lives. Tickle me naive, but perhaps a truce can be reached.

Though I've taught Sunday School in my younger years, I can hardly call myself a Biblical scholar, so I've mainly avoided using scripture to contradict scripture. Besides, as someone who doesn't follow scripture, it might even be hypocritical. That said, I did find this video linked from FourFour about the Bible's statements about homosexuality coming from religious officials to be interesting:


Anyway, let's hope we remember to practice what we preach and tolerate one another.

I have hope for the future, I really do.

I'll Even Spring for a Limo, Provided Obama Puts Out

Todd: I still can't believe that, for once, the candidate with the most money is finally on my side. When did that start happening?
Kevin: I think the reason is that Obama is actually a great candidate, somebody that's actually worth getting excited about. People give their money to someone when they don't feel like they're settling. No offense to Gore and Kerry, but they were like taking your fourth choice to prom.

Happy Halloween

The past couple of Halloweens, I haven't been able to get too excited about dressing up, but this year I've finally been struck by inspiration. As a long time admirer of Michael Cera (like, ohmguh, the whole reason I am in favor of same-sex marriage is so that the two of us can be together forever), I thought it'd be fun to pay tribute to him. I chose Paulie Bleeker, Cera's role in Juno, not because its my favorite character of his (far from it), but because it had the most distinctive costume possibility. After hitting three thrift stores with Katy, I acquired a maroon school shirt with yellow lettering, tiny yellow shorts, and a gold knit hat, which I've cut into pieces to create a headband, wristbands, and trimming for my shirt and socks. Since I don't sew, these pieces have been stapled. I haven't had to pretend I was this handy since destroying a teddy bear to make a trained circus bear costume. Anyhoo, here I am as Paulie Bleeker:


Since I'm wearing such tiny shorts, my costume accidentally puts the "ween" in Halloween. I've decide to accentuate this fact by not wearing underwear, in part inspired by Terri's gripe that Halloween is just an excuse for women to objectify themselves in the name of a holiday. I agree with Terri's assessment; in recent years, it seems it's not really a costume unless it features gratuitous cleavage. While I probably can't successfully impart the virtues of virtue on women and convince them that not every cat, witch, nurse, etc. has to be a sexy one, I can help balance the playing field and objectify my own body, too.

My friends and I have made some awesome jack-o-lanterns, if I do say so myself.



Shea's actually scares me a bit. That's a frightening face, and the rose is a classy touch.

Amber took a politically active approach and made a face with a smile reading "vote." So cute and relevant.

Amy's is phenomenal! We had taped a photograph of Michael Michael to the pumpkin that would have been eirs had ey not moved out, and Amy felt bad removing the photograph from the pumpkin without still commemorating Michael Michael. Amy's solution? Carve Michael Michael's face into the jack-o-lantern.

Look at the source material, taken of Michael Michael as a Claremont Grammarian in 2007:

Now check out how well Amy executed that photograph:


So impressive!

Meanwhile, I had trouble deciding what to carve into my pumpkin. My last attempt, a subtle ode to necrophilia, caved in on itself too quickly, so I wanted to try something not too elaborate. Finally, I opted to take a postmodern route: I'd carve a jack-o-lantern ON a jack-o-lantern. It's either genius or stupid, most likely the latter.

Meanwhile, Katy took a minimalist approach. Ey didn't get any further than hollowing the pumpkin out, but we put a candle in it, turned it on its side, and made it look like some sort of accomplishment anyway. Some have compared it to a butt hole.

Enjoy the festivities, kids.

BEWARE THE LEFT-WING AGENDA!!!

There’s something your government doesn’t want you to know.




These two men…

ARE LEFT-HANDED!

The LEFT-wing media is trying to slap a glove on this issue to cover an impending left-hand agenda!




The Bible is clear that left-handedness is not to be condoned.


Psalms 118:16
“The right hand of the LORD is exalted; the right hand of the LORD does valiantly.”

Matthew 6:3
“Do not let your left hand know what your right hand is doing.”

Ecclesiastes 10:2
“A wise man’s heart is at his right hand; but a fool’s heart at his left.”

Matthew 25: 33-34, 41
“And he will put the sheep at his right hand and the goats at the left. Then the king will say to those at his right hand, “Come, you that are blessed by my Father, inherit the kingdom prepared for you from the foundation of the world… Then he will say to those at his left hand, ‘You that are accursed, depart from me into the eternal fire prepared for the devil and his angels.’”




Consider some other people who are left-handed:

Would you really want these people to be your Commander in Chief?!

What will happen if we allow a southpaw in our nation's top office?!

They will smudge the ink while signing bills into laws!





They will shake hands with foreign dignitaries incorrectly and embarrass our nation!




Taxes will be increased to fund left-handed scissors for the Oval Office.




Children will be forced to learn left-handedness in schools!

LEFT-HANDEDNESS IS NOT NATURAL!

90% of people cannot be wrong – RIGHT IS RIGHT!


When children who demonstrate left-handed impulses are forced to write with their right hands, they adapt and can pass as normal. LEFT-HANDEDNESS IS A CHOICE!

LEFT-HANDEDNESS IS A PERVERSION!

Studies show that left-handers are twice as likely to be child molesters!


Allow a left-hander to lead us and WHAT’S NEXT? LEGALIZING MARRIAGE BETWEEN LEFT-HANDERS?!?!



DO THE RIGHT THING! Vote for Ralph Nader.

RIGHT HAND!
RIGHT CHOICE!

My 2008 California Proposition Endorsements

On Sunday, Clare and Cecilia hosted another Proposition Party, a forum in which people can come and discuss California’s confusing ballot measures. More than 30 people attended, with each person first researching a proposition in depth and then presenting their findings to the group. Each presentation is subject to debate and questioning until we reach a decision. Consensuses are not always reached (though usually they are), but that’s not the point. The point is to know precisely what we’re voting for and getting to the heart of the issue, as the titles are often misleading.

Like last time, I feel way more informed and fairly confident in my choices. Bring on the ballot!

The following are Kevin Babbles’s Official California Proposition Endorsements:

High Speed Rail Bonds
Prop 1A: Yes
Environmentally friendly high-speed trains are the way of the future, and we’ve already invested millions into this project researching its feasibility. While the bonds will ultimately cost tax payers some money, much of it will be offset by commuters on this railway.

Standards for Confining Farm Animals
Prop 2: YES
The accommodations this proposition outlines for animals are few and reasonable and will only pass along minimal cost to consumers. The writers on this one seemed to stick to uncontroversial definitions of ethical and humane, so it can’t even be faulted as overly ambitious hippie bullsh.

Children’s Hospital Bond Act
Prop 3: No
On face value, it seems like it’d be hard to vote against saving sick children, but a few years ago, California approved the sale of bonds for nearly the exact same thing, and more than 40% of that money has still been unallocated. Let’s not sign ourselves up for more debt, at least not until the existing money is depleted.

Waiting Period and Parental Notification before Termination of Minor’s Pregnancy
Prop 4: No
This proposition is just another attempt to restrict reproductive rights in the face of Roe v. Wade. Proponents will have you believe that this is an issue of safety, but it most certainly will not protect the safety of pregnant teens.

Nonviolent Drug Offenses, Sentencing, Parole, and Rehabilitation
Prop 5: Yes
Since our prisons are thoroughly over-crowded, I support offering small time drug offenders the opportunity to attend rehab as part of a probationary punishment instead. Besides, addiction is an illness and jail is not the way to solve it.

Police and Law Enforcement Funding; Criminal Penalties and Laws
Prop 6: No
Punishments should fit the crime. This proposition attempts to lock up teenagers for years for infractions as small as graffiti. It is racist, classist, and unconstitutional.

Renewable Energy Generation
Prop 7: No
Every major environmental group is opposed to this plan, explaining that it would ultimately be more detrimental to our environment. It’s a shame, because I’m very concerned about the environment and am prepared to vote to spend every cent the state collects toward conservation, but I’m convinced that this is not the appropriate plan.

Eliminates Right of Same-Sex Couples to Marry
Prop 8: NO
I’ve already explained my stance on this one tirelessly in an earlier No on Prop 8 post. (The debate is still raging in the comments section, by the way.)

Criminal Justice System, Victims’ Rights, Parole
Prop 9: No
The majority of the positive aspects in this proposition are already part of state law. Evidently, it is okay to write existing laws into propositions, which then encourages unaware voters to pass them. California already has one of the best reputations for promoting victims’ rights and one of the lowest rates for offering parole. This proposition is expensive and unnecessary.

Alternative Fuel Vehicles and Renewable Energy
Prop 10: No
This is another environmentally based proposition that I want to like, but just can’t. Though natural gas is cleaner than most current sources of fuel, it is still a finite resource; we need to put our money into finding long-term solutions. Again, nearly all major environmental groups in the state oppose this proposition, so I’m going to say no and hope that next year, someone creates a good environmental proposition that I can be in favor of.

Redistricting
Prop 11: No?
This is the proposition I presented on at the party, but I still don’t have a strong opinion. Currently, politicians have the ability to draw redistricting lines. When this occurs, they can incorporate certain populations into their districts, nearly guaranteeing subsequent victories. For this reason alone, I am in favor of redistricting reform in order to keep elections fair and competitive. Unfortunately, the suggested alternative is a convoluted and still partisan committee. Nevertheless, I’m almost inclined to say yes to this one, just to change the existing structure and see if it works out better, but my fear is that by approving a new crappy system, we won’t have an opportunity to vote on a more reasonable redistricting reform proposition in the near future.

Veterans’ Bond Act
Prop 12: Yes
Veterans comprise about 1/3 of the homeless population in California. They need and deserve our love (ie: money.) Clearly, I have a softer spot for unsheltered veterans than terminally ill children. Love is blind, and I can’t help to whom I’m attracted.


My explanations are all frighteningly brief, but if anyone wants to hash these out further or debate their merits in the comments, I welcome the discussion. I’m prepared to give additional facts and reasons to support my decisions, or even have my mind changed before Election Day.

Friendshit

Michael Michael moved out a week ago.

I don't usually get especially emotional on this blog, but I am sad. Michael Michael is as fine a person as I've ever met, and I've been fortunate to have the opportunity to live with and grow close to em these past two years. With all sincerity, Michael Michael has helped make me a better person.

Unfortunately, in addition to being a great, friendly person to me, Michael Michael is also intelligent, likable, and ambitious. Consequently, Michael Michael was offered an amazing promotion in a meaningful career which required em to relocate to the east coast. From now on, I'm only befriending people who are good companions but are clearly not going places in life, so they will never leave me.

I'm not sad because this move is the end of a friendship: I'm confident that we'll stay in touch and find excuses to see each other periodically. No, what makes me most sad about Michael Michael's move is that I won't have the chance to see em every day. It's hard to find people who are a pleasure to be with on a daily basis, and I will miss our regular conversations -- sometimes insightful, sometimes utterly trivial.

Michael Michael moving marks the end of the era, which would be fine, as truthfully, I'm prepared to make a lot of changes in my life. Unfortunately, it's the best part of the era that exits my life first. It's kind of like if I were eagerly waiting for the 80s to end, and when the 90s finally rolled around, I was still stuck with the annoying crap like Teddy Ruxpin, parachute pants, slap bracelets, Cabbage Patch dolls, Flock of Seagulls music, and big shoulder pads, yet the only cool thing that mattered, the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, cruelly vanished from my life.

Immediately after taking Michael Michael to the airport, I was a bit of a basket case, but the practical side of me has won out and I'm okay. This'll be a challenge to my social life, as I no longer have a live-in best friend, but a disruption to my comfort zone just might be a good thing. It'd just be more fun to have em around while other things change instead.

Since I try to maintain this blog as mainly humorous and anecdotal rather than whiny and livejournal-esque, allow me to switch gears and commemorate Michael Michael's good-bye party. Considering the party started at 3:30 pm and I was up and socializing (read: drinking) until 7 am, I admittedly can't provide too reliable of an account. More than 40 people came and the socializing was prime. Spirits were high and spirits were consumed.

There was snuggling.

There was a beer-pedo competition.

Shea was in rare dancing form.

I was viciously groped.

And even more savagely licked. (Note: I don't molest children, I just apparently make facial expressions as if I do.)

I helped Allison after ey spilled eir beer by slurping it off the floor.


You can see more of the pictures taken on my camera (though most of which were not taken by me) here.

One potential misstep of the night was that I invited an eighteen-year-old girl to the party, too, because she's awesome and likes grammar. I figured, okay, she's underage, but she seems responsible, and I know us to be responsible, so what really could go wrong?

Wouldn't you know it? The poor thing fell and hit her head and started bleeding -- a lot, even. Yeah, wasn't anticipating that. I started realizing that maybe it wasn't a good idea to invite her. After about half an hour, the bleeding stopped, and we cleaned her up, and she was her chipper self again. So while there was a moment I was afraid of potential legal action against me, I wouldn't change a thing, except maybe the head injury.

Since this girl had taken public transportation to get to the house, Alice offered to drive her home, and I accompanied for the ride. Michael Michael only caught the part where I said "be right back" and walked out the door with the girl, and ey was apparently concerned that I had some ill-conceieved intentions. Of course, it wasn't like that at all and Michael Michael later admitted that it was not something remotely in my character to do, though I suppose I do have a thing for young head trauma victims.

To conclude this strange post, let me share two songs. First, the hottest dance track about Miami ever, "This Is Miami." The first line of the song claims that this is not Miami, but later, after considering every other city in the world as a possibility, seems to rescind this statement and decide that, in fact, This Is Miami, repeating
this fact dozens of times. Yeah, it's dumb, but it characterizes Miami pretty well.

Sander Kleinenberg - This Is Miami


Second, the oddly appropriate Polyphonic Spree song that randomly came on my I-Pod immediately after dropping Michael Michael at the airport and I then proceeded to put on repeat to keep me smiling and distracted. The distracting part worked a bit too well as I missed my freeway change and proceeded to take an extra forty minute detour on the way home.

The Polyphonic Spree - Move Away and Shine


Happy trails, dear friends!

Earplugs

Lisa: I really like studying in coffee shops, but I need to study in silence. I wear earplugs so it'll be quiet, but I think that's embarrassing, so I actually bring headphones to cover the earplugs and it looks like I'm listening to music instead. That can be a problem, though, because a couple times I've seen someone I know and they'll come up to me, so I take off the headphones and they start talking and I have to hold my finger so they'll wait until I take out the earplugs, too. That's embarrassing!

Aerobixxx

I've been trying to get in shape. (What kind of shape?) An isosceles triangle, obviously.

After putting on some pounds and getting winded embarrassingly quickly when physical activity were to occur, I made a concerted effort to exercise more often. After a lot of racquetball and uphill bike riding, I'm pleased to say that I can now move my body and not collapse of exhaustion. Now, I'm still no Lance Armstrong (I've got both testicles, thankyouverymuch), but it is an improvement from the mass of sludge I was a few months ago.

Lindsay instructs an aerobics class at the nearby colleges, and has put out an open invitation to eir friends to come workout. For a while, I've been curious enough to want to try, but too apprehensive to partake because I wasn't sure I had the endurance for an hour of cardio. Once I built up the stamina from other forms of exercise, however, I decided to give it a try.

Lindsay suggested that I bring a water bottle and a leotard. I forgot my water, but made a conscious decision to skip the leotard, considering how ghastly Kat and I looked in leotards about three years ago.

I hadn't showered in a couple of days, and chose not to do so before the class because I would only get sweaty and need another shower soon after. This decision was probably a poor one, as it meant I stunk before we even started, which I'm sure my fellow aerobicisers appreciated. The fellow aerobicisers, by the way, consisted of seven college-aged women. They had attended the previous ten classes and seemed pretty comfortable with the routine.

The aerobics regiment was certainly a work out. We moved hard to Lindsay's cheesy soundtrack for an hour. Every time I wanted to quit, I felt peer pressured to continue. I wasn't about to poop out with all of these people watching me. The self-discipline I tend to lack in these situations was counteracted by my desire to not look like an unhealthy loser.

At one point we were doing push ups on mats and the sweat was pouring off my face like rain down a water spout. Next, we did sit ups, and my already damp back was drenched in the puddle that had formed. I realized that these mats were used frequently and were probably rarely cleaned, so I was overwrought with concern about hygiene, something that rarely happens as evidenced by my not having showered for a while.

Even though I think aerobics is a terrific form of exercise and would definitely help keep me in shape, it is not a practical form for me. I look foolish. Not because of my gender, but because I lack the coordination. While I could keep up physically (sort of), I can't follow steps well. Half the time, I couldn't follow whatever the move being lead us, so I just kept moving in whatever manner I could manage to keep my heart rate up. Even some of the "simple" steps had me baffled. I was always a beat behind, or kicking with the wrong foot, or jumping off the wooden block when I was supposed to cross over with the other leg.

This problem isn't unique to aerobics, I've always been frighteningly uncoordinated.
I've attempted the Electric Slide at least two dozen times in my life and still cannot remember which direction to turn. In camp as a child, I agreed to be the male part in a dance number, but within a week, I was encouraged to sing in the chorus instead, because I wasn't picking up the steps quickly enough -- or at all, truthfully. Furthermore, as I've detailed before, I can't even walk correctly. So while Lindsay insists that with more practice I would get the hang of it, I'm pretty sure I would continue to maneuver like a bumbling idiot. The only thing more embarrassing than being unable to keep up during my first class would be continuing to demonstrate that I can't learn to follow simple, repetitive steps after several classes.

A Quick Heads-Up

I know many of you don't generally check out the comments section on these posts, but the comments on the No On Prop 8 posting is an interesting mix of stimulating, crazy, heated, and civil.

UPDATE: Sasha directed my attention to a funny parody of the ad I had posted in the original post.

McCain Will Find Me a Job!

In last night’s final presidential debate, this was John McCain and Barrack Obama’s final opportunity to square off on the most important issue of the campaign. Not the economy, not the war, not health care… but Joe the Plumber. Move over Joe Lieberman, Joe Biden, and even Joe Six Pack: Joe the Plumber is now the most famous Joe in politics.

What was that about? Whose pipes did Joe have to fix to be referenced by name a whopping 26 times throughout the debate? I like to imagine that Joe the Plumber was at a bar playing a drinking game during the debates, and got thoroughly inebriated just by taking a sip each time his name was mentioned.

It must be an honor for Joe to have the two most important people in the country vying for your respect in front of a national audience, particularly as someone who spends his days sticking his hands down other people’s toilets. This year, let’s all stay home from the polls and let the election be decided by a lone ballot: the one cast by Joe the Plumber. Afterwards, his candidate of choice can appoint him Secretary of Leaky Faucets.

Moving past our friend with the wrench, as a former educator, I was most intrigued by the education portion of the debate. Hearing their stances side by side was helpful, and having seen the woes of public education up close, I legitimately found Obama’s perspective and plan to be practical and necessary.

But just as I thought Obama had clinched my vote, McCain countered with a trump card. Granted, I thought his overall educational vision was crap, but McCain managed to intrigue me with part of his educational plan: “We find bad teachers another line of work.”

It’s like he was speaking directly to me, but instead of being Joe the Plumber, my name is Kevin the Bad Teacher. I tried my hand in the profession, recognized I wasn’t cut out for it, and now I’m ready to be placed in my promised new line of work, please. In truth, I could really use your help on this one, McCain. I understand you’ve been too busy with this whole Bill Ayers issue to take the time to reexamine the economy lately, but in spite of this magical bailout solution, the job market is still in the shitter (no disrespect intended to Joe the Plumber.)

Help me out with a career, McCain, and I’ll give you my vote. Come on, just hook an old friend up. Remember when we met seven years ago? And by “met,” I mean that time I awkwardly stood fifteen feet away from you to pose for a photograph.




See, check out that tie; I can clean myself up and look fairly respectable when I try, so I’m definitely employable. Forget Joe the Plumber: finding Kevin the Bad Teacher “a new line of work” should become a top priority for McCain. You can even re-suspend your campaign if this task requires your utmost attention.