Happy 10th Birthday, Jadakiss's "Why"

Jadakiss's sorta hit song "Why" turns 10 today. In celebration, a full decade later, I think I'm finally ready to take on the wholly unnecessary task of answering over 50 of Jada's disjointed rhetorical questions. 

Yo, why is Jadakiss as hard as it gets?

Viagra.

Why is the industry designed to keep the artist in debt?

Capitalism's a sham, man.

And why them dudes ain't riding if they part of your set?

No loyalty.

And why they never get it popping but they party to death?

People enjoy revelry. 

Yeah and why they gonna give you life for a murder?

It's a punishment meant to discourage people from committing this crime.

Turn around only give you eight months for a burner?

It seems fair to have a much lighter punishment for possessing an illegal gun, then say, using that gun to kill someone.

Why they selling niggas CDs for under a dime?

Yo, I just saw Paula Cole's album in the discount bin, too; the discount bin is color blind.

And if it's all love, daddy, why you come with your 9?

Hey, Jada, you're the one who's talking about lowering the punishment for murder, maybe that's why your friend wants a little protection around you.

Why my niggas ain't get that cake?

If they tell the waitress it's their birthday, they'll probably bring a slice.

Why is a brother up north better than Jordan that ain't get that break?

The Toronto Rappers are trying as hard as they can!

Why you don't stack instead of trying to be fly?

Consumerism encourages people to spend money on stupid crap rather than save it.

Why is ratting at an all time high?

One man's tattletale is another man's whistleblower.

Why are you even alive?

I'm definitely not prepared to answer such an open-ended existential question.

Why they kill 2pac and Chris?

Since their murderers were never apprehended, it's hard to speak to their motivations.

Why at the bar you ain't take straight shots instead of poppin' Cris?

There was a champagne happy hour special.

Why them bullets have to hit that door?

That was the direction they were aimed in.

Why did Kobe have to hit that raw?

Raping someone with a condom might have left less evidence, but that's hardly the real problem with someone who, you know, raped someone.

Why'd he kiss that whore?

Uh, I'm not going to cosign calling an alleged rape victim a "whore."

Why?

Because it's misogynistic and terrible.

Why do niggas push pounds and powder?

Let's not act like you don't help to promote drug culture, Jada. 

Why did Bush knock down the towers?

We've got a Truther in the house!

Why you around them cowards?

They're my friends.

Why Aaliyah have to take that flight?

She couldn't just live in the Bahamas indefinitely.

Why my nigga D ain't pull out his Ferrari?

The gas mileage is pretty shitty.

Why he take that bike?

Cycling is a healthy activity.

Why they gotta open your package and read your mail?

It's fun to be nosy.

Why they stop letting niggas get degrees in jail?

I agree, inmates should have access to an education.

Why you gotta do 85% of your time?

Better than 100%, I suppose.

And why do niggas lie in 85% of they rhymes?

It's only like 50% of their rhymes… oh I see what you did there, Jada.

Why a nigga always want what he can't have?

The grass is always greener on the other side.

Why I can't come through in the pecan Jag?

I approve of this ride.

Why did crack have to hit so hard?

That sounds like good crack to me.

Even though it's almost over, why niggas can't get no jobs?

Bigoted corporate America is less likely to hire African American candidates.

Why they come up with the witness protection?

To protect people who testify against dangerous criminals.

Why they let the Terminator win the election?

For whatever reason, over 50% of Californian voters selected Arnold to be their governor.

Why I sell in the stores what you could sell in the streets?

Perhaps your album isn't selling because your music isn't as good as you believe.

Why I say the hottest shit but we sellin' the least?

Again, Jada may be overestimating the quality of his tunes.

Why Halle have to let a white man pop her to get an Oscar?

Her roles in Bulworth and The Flintstones just weren't award worthy.

Why did Denzel have to be crooked before he took it?

He actually won his first Oscar for portraying an upstanding Civil War soldier.

Why they didn't make the CL6 with a clutch?

This is a very specific complaint. Since you're a celebrity, maybe they'll custom make one for you.

And if you don't smoke why the hell are you reaching for my dutch?

Someone is trying to mooch that weed.

Why rap?

It's your calling, Jada.

Why be on the curb with a "Why lie? I need a beer" sign?

If you're poor and looking for a buzz, it's worth a shot.

Why all the young niggas is dying?

Cholera is making an unfortunate comeback in parts of Africa.

Why they ain't give us a cure for AIDS?

Scientific research takes time.

Why my diesel have fiends in the spot on the floor for days?

This drug reference is over my head.

Why you screaming like it's a slug?

Slugs are gross and sort of scary.

Why my buzz in LA ain't like it is in New York?

Having grown up in NYC, Jada's core fan base is his hometown.

Why they forcing you to be hard?

Peer pressure.

Why ain't you a thug by choice?

It's okay to not want to be a thug.

Why the whole world love my voice?

This seems like a bit of a stretch for a mediocre rapper.

And you know they made them new twenties? 'Cause I got all the old ones, that's why.

Well, he finally answered one of his own questions, but it's suspicious how he claims his album isn't selling well and the record label doesn't pay him properly, but he basically has all of America's old money stockpiled.

Captain Phillips: Best Picture Nominees in 60 Seconds

WARNING: spoilers and sarcasm

Captain Tom Hanks: Do you think I’ll encounter pirates at sea?
Mrs. Tom Hanks: What? Honey, no, you’ll be fine.
Captain Tom Hanks: Hey, crew, let’s run a pirate disaster drill.
Crew: This is a waste of time, Captain!
Captain Tom Hanks: [radios Coast Guard] Wait, now I really think that pirates are approaching us.
Coast Guard: They’re probably not pirates, Captain, chill out.
Somali Pirate: I’m on a boat! Specifically, your boat. And I’ll spare your life for $$$.
[tense moment where the pirates almost kill Hanks, but they don’t]
[another tense moment where the pirates almost kill Hanks but they don’t]
[yet against “tense” moment where the pirates almost kill Hanks but they don’t]
Captain Tom Hanks: The longer I’m held hostage, the more I realize it’s going to be hard for this film not to appear kind of racist.
Disney Exec: Yeah… but pirates are so in right now and Johnny Depp wasn’t available for another one yet, so we thought we’d take a chance.
Captain Tom Hanks: Any chance I can cash in on some white privilege to prevent these pirates from killing me?
Navy: [shoots all the pirates dead]
Captain Tom Hanks: [hysterical] I told you there’d be fucking pirates! 

See also:
Dallas Buyers Club
Best Picture Nominees in 60 Seconds 2013
Best Picture Nominees in 60 Seconds 2012

It's 3[:30]AM I Must Loony

I thought the crowd at the 24-hour taco place by my house at 2am after the bars let out was really weird… until I met the 3:30am crowd. Anyone scoring a burrito at that hour has been up to no good.

My friends and I were there, too, so admittedly we deserved to be categorized similarly. At least we had the good sense not to try to intermingle with the fellow riffraff, but all the other patrons were intent to chat us up anyway.

First, an older gentleman interrupted a couple of my female friends' conversation about their respective hairlines to give his input. He was a "comedian" but never really said anything funny. When my friend finally tried to excuse herself from a conversation the guy wouldn't take the hint needed to end, she told the slightly balding guy, "Okay, good luck with your hairline!"

Then there was a straight male ginger Latino fashion student (who knew?!) who was celebrating his 21st birthday. He claimed he had $4,700 on him that his father gave him to celebrate and kept offering to buy us stuff and take us places. He told us he had paid his friend to be a DD and that he was on his way to Vegas after eating and we could join him. Behind him, his friend shook his head no to indicate that was not going to happen. The ladies also declined to give him their phone numbers, despite his persistence. I'm not really sure whether he had all that money on him either, but he did wind up buying us an horchata.

Meanwhile, some woman a few feet away started screaming and slapping a guy after he told her he was leaving her at the taco place because he couldn't afford the gas to drive her home. She could have left before with Tito if he had mentioned that fact earlier!

Both the 21-year-old and the comedian were asking where we all lived, and one of my friends offered up the fact that I lived "right over there" and pointed. I leapt into action: "Yeah, but not right there… way way back. Like a few miles in that direction." Sorry, but we don't give my address to shady drunk people.

Speaking of shady drunk people, the creepiest dude of all never even talked to us. He was a young guy by himself carrying a 12-pack of Tecate in his arm. As he methodically made his way through his beers, he would flash a big smile and just wave at us every couple minutes or so. At first it seemed friendly, then it seemed like a condescending joke, and then it seemed like we might get murdered. At some point, the smiling and waving between strangers needs to stop, or people are going to start to think the worst. It's a shame, too, because it might have been nice to be friends with a guy unashamed enough to drink a 12-pack on a public street corner.

No more enchiladas at 3:30am.

What Would I Say?

I admit it, I really like What-Would-I-Say because it's essentially Horse eBooks but with your own words! Usually it's hard to laugh at your own jokes, but when you didn't actually write them, the laughs flow freely.

That is a potent pill the government is prescribing.

Better safe than sorry.

Any guesses? Mitt Romney, obviously.

Well?

Yeah I am!

You can't say I didn't try to uphold journalistic integrity.

It's best not to.

It was time to pay up.

The revolution won't be televised, but it will be a grumpy gus.

This one's a thinker. She's not trying to kill herself, she's just trying to make it look like she tried to kill herself, I guess. 

What a disappointment. This is why people don't read.

Ugh, tell me about it.

Illegal

Ugh, so I like to think I'm a good liberal, but then when I'm crunched for time while playing Scattergories and I need an "I" word for "Found in New York City" I hastily write "illegal alien."

People are not illegal! Even outdated press agencies have dropped the I word, yet here I am having it be my first association with NYC.

I was only slightly ashamed initially, until I remembered that, even if that was my train of thought, I could have still scored a point for putting the much more PC "immigrant." WHY DID ILLEGAL COME TO MIND BEFORE IMMIGRANT? Even if I was hellbent on using the word "illegal", at least "illegal immigrant" would have scored me double points.

Put a timer in front of me and I'll start panicking enough to let my unconscious racist tendencies show.

Who Are the People In Your Neighborhood?

I encountered some awesome people just before getting on and then again just after getting off the train yesterday.

First, Christine pointed out a woman walking ahead of us that she called "Ariel". Indeed, the woman with red hair - not like orange "let's call it red" hair, but straight up dyed scarlet red hair - and a flowing teal dress looked straight out of The Little Mermaid. Obnoxiously, we started singing "Part of Your World" behind her.

As we got even closer to her, however, she didn't smell fishy. She smelled… skunky. I got a big whiff of pot and then noticed she was lighting a bowl right there on the street. Forget "Under the Sea", she was Under the Influence… in public. Gotta love a Disney princess who willfully defies the law.

The train ride itself was pretty normal, other than the fact that we sat beside a stunningly beautiful woman. "She is way too pretty to take public transportation," Christine noted.

Right off the train, however, we encountered a fight. A black woman and a Caucasian man were getting in each other faces and shouting for the whole block to hear. The woman screamed, "I'M A REAL N*****! I DON'T OWE YOUR HOMELESS ASS ANYTHING!" The man was offended. "Whoa! One: I'm not homeless! Two…"

I didn't get to hear point two because I was laughing too hard. He might not be homeless, but appearance-wise - and I say this as someone with compassion for the homeless - he could have fooled me.

More than anything, I wanted to know the context of the fight. Like why did she have to state that she was a real [racial epithet]? Did he somehow offend her by not calling her the n-word?

Even though she seemed to be the aggressor in the altercation, in a subsequent game of "would you rather", I decided I'd prefer to be the woman's friend of the two. Better to be a real n***** than a fake homeless, am-I-right? Of course, I reckon they could both be pleasant if they took some time to mellow out with the Little Mermaid.

The Most Amazing Tan I've Ever Seen

On the first day of school my sophomore year, my Spanish teacher asked one of my peers whether he had spent much time at the beach during the summer.

"Yeah, I surfed most days," the student said.
"I knew it! I could tell!" the Spanish teacher celebrated. "You have the most amazing tan I've ever seen."

While his skin was remarkably tan, there was one problem… dark brown was his natural skin color. Year-round, even. An awkward silence fell over the room because most of us students knew that she got lucky with her beach guess and the tan was not temporary, but correcting her might make the kid feel even more uncomfortable.

When you're in a school district that's 95% white, mistakes like this do happen. I remember in elementary school, I had friends that were very plainly not Caucasian, but it never occurred to me that some of them were anything but white. With only a juvenile understanding of race, I figured people who acted like me and that I liked must be "white." Sure, they had really dark skin, but deep down, they must actually be white. In a way, I thought I was giving them the benefit of the doubt, which is all sorts of horrible, but the kind of notions a kid has to navigate through in a world of white privilege surrounded by limited diversity.

Occasionally, I think back to the incident and wonder at what point she realized his "tan" wasn't going away. Did it take a week, two weeks, maybe a month for humiliation to set in? Did it surprise her to discover that the kid who acted just like the others in an otherwise all-white class wasn't white after all?

If it makes anyone feel better, the Spanish teacher was diagnosed with cancer a few months later. But she was also a nice woman, so don't revel in it! Subconsciously whitewashing the people around her makes her ignorant, but taking pleasure in her getting cancer makes you an asshole… and that's probably worse.

Who Wants to Know?

When I karaoke (which is rare these days), I usually only choose songs I'm familiar with and know I won't embarrass myself on. But tonight, I saw RAY, JIMMY - ARE YOU JIMMY RAY? in the book and I got super excited and chose it on an impulse.

I pride myself on my 90s nostalgia, but "Are You Jimmy Ray?" is definitely one I've forgotten over the years. I don't know how I let it happen because it is so perfectly campy. Granted, I had trouble singing the song because I didn't remember the cadence other than the chorus, but it was worth it to have it reintroduced to my life.

My favorite lyric is "I've gotta let it out, something in my genes [pun alert!], ya come and take a walk with me if you're feeling dane-ja-rus", but obviously the backup vocalists trying to guess his name over and over is the bread and butter… surely, it's hard to miss the irony that people can't remember the name of this would-be one-hit-wonder.

Who wants to know, indeed! Well, actually, I want to know, as I'm kind of newly obsessed. Who IS Jimmy Ray, this gangly man with an oversized belt buckle I see in the video? According to Wikipedia, "The video juxtaposed Ray's rockabilly image with a trailer park setting as stereotypical "rap video" women in sports jerseys and football shorts danced provocatively behind him." That might be poorer writing than the song itself!

At 3am, I thought it would be a good idea to find Jimmy Ray on Twitter because he seems like someone who would be neglected enough to respond back to some cheeky comment I make, but alas, I could not find him. Rest assured, however, that I will be asking all strangers I encounter whether or not they are Jimmy Ray until I finally locate the man.

Shark Week

"If sharks get a week, white people should, too!" 

- some dumb guy somewhere, I imagine

My Presence Is Charity

"I’m offended by that because first of all, and this is going to sound arrogant, but my presence is charity. Just who I am. Just like Obama’s is. Obama provides hope. Whether he does anything, the hope that he provides for a nation, and outside of America is enough. Just being who he is. You’re the first black president. If he speaks on any issue or anything he should be left alone." 

 - Jay Z responds to Harry Belafonte's criticism that he has turned his back on social responsibility



Oh, JAYunhyphenatedZ. This was not a smart thing to say.

First of all, if I were Harry Belafonte, I could quickly think of 100 celebrities who deserve to be called out for not being socially responsible before Jay Z and Beyonce, so I did wonder about his initial criticism. But when Jay Z has the gall to retort, "My presence is charity," he's not refuting anything, just substantiating Belafonte's point.

Belafonte is a prime example of a man who uses his celebrity to promote his activism and positive social change; who can blame him for wishing more A-listers would use their fame for communal good?

Jay Z is of the belief that being a successful black man is doing America a service. You can trace that thought all the way back to "Izzo" when he raps "I do this for my culture/To let them know what a nigga look like when a nigga in a Roadster." Granted, it is progress for this country to have a millionaire African American who is publicly adored. However, that in itself is not being "socially responsible"; being an exception to the rule doesn't really do much to combat wealth inequality at large.

His comments on Obama are even more telling. Providing hope is certainly not "enough." The president is in a position to effect more change than anyone in the entire world. The problem with Obama is that it is all lip service - he talks the perfect progressive game, but his actions are far more regressive.

Offering hope is not social responsibility. It's naive to say "Well, I became a successful rapper and this dude became President, so we're all good." The American dream needs to be better than one-in-a-million of us can achieve our dreams. It may have worked out for Jay Z, but by pretending these opportunities are available to everyone, he's just bolstering the same hierarchical system that oppresses the many.

I still don't know that Jay Z deserves more criticism than the rest of top celebrities who focus the influence they wield on attaining more wealth rather than positively impacting society. But if he thinks living a life with unparalleled luxuries and privileges is in any way an act of charity, that shows just how out of touch he's become.

Ashton Kutcher Plate

At the risk of boasting, check out this commemorative art that Ashton Kutcher commissioned of himself that I now own!

In 2005, Bernie Mac and Ashton Kutcher starred in the film Guess Who - a modern bastardization of the Sidney Poitier classic Guess Who's Coming to Dinner - where a white guy meets his girlfriend's black family and race-based hijinks ensue! I'm going to go out on a limb and guess that none of you have seen it. I certainly haven't seen it; heck, my friend worked on the movie, and I don't think even he's seen it.

It is because my friend worked on the film that I now have this fine art. As a sign of gratitude, Kutcher gave the cast and crew painted decorative plates. You might be thinking "How uncharacteristically awesome of Ashton Kutcher to give the crew a thank you keepsake!" Before you get carried away, take a closer look at the plate.

It's a spoof of the Last Supper and Kutcher has cast himself as Jesus Christ. The black cast, inoffensively obviously, surrounds Kutcher as his disciples. It takes a special kind of ego to deify oneself… and an even greater ego still to pass it off as a "gift" that the crew would have any interest in.

Apparently, it's been my friend's closet for years because what do you do with something like that? I guess just pass it off to someone you know that would find it ridiculous enough to appreciate.

And I do! I would actually eat off the plate, except that on the back it warns: "Food consumed from this vessel may be harmful." Mmmmmm, how deliciously toxic! Guess I'll just have to display it on my mantle instead.

The back of the plate also features Ashton's signature and the word "SHALOM." I googled that, and I guess that during filming, Kutcher improvised that his character was Jewish, but the director ultimately cut all references to that out. It's nice to know that this plate is not just a testament to Kutcher's egomania, but also his ill-conceived creative input.

One day I will sell this on eBay and make TENS of DOLLARS!

On Justice

I wrote two articles this past week that I'd like to share here:

Behind the Police and Media Lies: Black Protests Are "Riots"

Make no mistake, the government has been trying to criminalize protesting for a while now, it's just been easier to call it "rioting" when darker skinned people are participating. All of this fabricated hysteria over supposed rioting is nothing more than the same fear and prejudice that led to Trayvon Martin's death… and the fact that a jury would always have "reasonable doubt" about whether a black man was posing a threat.

I don't even think it's accidental fear-mongering. Read the part about the LAPD and media reporting $15,000 of damage done to a hotel by Martin rally participants. Next time they want to make up shit like that they should probably tell the hotel first, since the hotel representatives were like, "What? No, there was no riot here." HMMMMMM.

6 Reasons the U.S. "Justice" System Is Anything But Just

Oh, and the justice system is bogus. Bogus for so many reasons, but particularly because it doesn't seek justice. It seems some predetermined order and to suck money away from people who don't have it.

So I have this "friend" who was arrested for something. Probably guilty of the crime thanks to the letter of the law, but not guilty to anyone who heard the story and weighed the extenuating circumstances. A jury probably wouldn't have convicted BUT… getting to a jury was near impossible. Not only would that amount to roughly $10,000 in legal fees, but the punishment would be made way more severe as soon as it went to trial. By not taking the plea, it meant higher fines and extended jail time. It's a risk that people can't afford to make, so they're forced to say they're guilty even if they're not.

In other countries, it is illegal for the prosecution to threaten you with much higher charges for going to trial because it amounts to extortion. In the U.S., that's common practice. We're all supposed to have our day in court, but the system is set up to make it nearly impossible for anyone to actually get there. We'd rather take someone's money and label him a felon rather than give him an honest shot at proving his innocence. It's all so messed up, I can barely stand it.

Eating with Cannibals

I'm currently watching a documentary called Eating with Cannibals on a friend's Netflix account because I apparently have little shame. In truth, I'm probably less embarrassed that I've given into morbid bloodlust-y curiosity than I am about the fact that the people who share the account are going to see that title as recently watched and exclaim "Kevin!" I can only imagine what Netflix will see fit to recommend to us after my interest in this flick.

The National Geographic host/narrator who is venturing into remote Papua New Guinea villages where cannibalism has occurred is so fucking smug. He can't help but be condescending and a little grossed out by it all. Like, dude, you came to these people specifically because you knew they'd tell you about incidents of cannibalism - don't act so shocked when they tell you exactly what you expected to hear. Also, would it kill him to spend some time asking them other questions about their culture before getting right into "So, how do humans taste?" It just seems a little rude.

Best fact I've learned so far: men and women taste the same.

Apparently, they only eat people they suspect to be sorcerers… and occasionally for revenge. But pretty much everyone says they haven't eaten a person in a long time. The host, meanwhile, is like LOL, yeah right, liars, I can smell it on your breath.

Oh great, now he's speculating that if missionaries hadn't come to the villages and spread Christian values, they'd probably just be eating each other left and right. If I had swallowed any human recently (and I've pretty much copped to the fact that I'd try it not too long ago), I'd be gagging on it right now.

The only way this documentary ends well is if these Papua New Guineans eat this nosy, judgmental host guy. It's not every day a hunk of white meat wanders into town and asks mouth-watering questions about how you would cook him, so seize the opportunity!

Not Guilty

It's gonna be fine, guys. Given his knack for amateur police work, I'm sure George Zimmerman won't rest until he finds the REAL killer… Just don't get too upset when the real killer winds up being some black kid that Zimmerman has to shoot to apprehend.

And quit blaming racism. The Supreme Court just told us that shit is over!

I haven't been following the Trayvon Martin trial because it seems like a circus. But I've always assumed that George Zimmerman is guilty. And I've always assumed that he would be found not guilty. I'm more shocked that the verdict is eliciting shock than at the verdict itself.

YOU MEAN TO TELL ME THAT THE JUSTICE SYSTEM IS HORRIBLY FLAWED AND RACIST?

Like, no duh.

This kind of shit happens every day. I say that not to excuse the injustice, but to point out that we should be enraged every day, not just the isolated time the media decides to cover it. Let's talk about this comparable case where a black Florida woman who fired a warning shot (hitting and aimed at no one, mind you) to scare off her abusive ex-husband and was denied "stand your ground" privileges and sentenced to 20 years in prison. Let's talk about discriminatory incarceration rates, unequal sentencing, and stop-and-frisk policies.

"Liberty and justice for all" my ass.

Go Back From Where You Came From

"I'm sorry, if the people don't like how they are treated here, go back from where you came from… Isn't this a free country, you can like or dislike who you want?????" - Nadine, in defense of racism 

I wrote a fairly unremarkable article "8 Politicians as Racist as Paula Deen". I haven't followed the Deen controversy but I thought I'd capitalize on using her name as click bait (no scruples!). I initially resisted reading the comments because I knew exactly what to expect and that they would surely infuriate me, but I finally gave in.

A lot of people came to defend Paula Deen - presumably they didn't read the article and realize that she was basically referenced in passing. We've all used these words before, some argued. (We have?) "Being PC is bringing this country down" another said. Others asked why rappers could say the n-word. Still others wanted to make sure we knew who the real racists are: all of those minorities that pick on white people. But I'd also like to award bonus points to the people who were happy to criticize Deen's racist language… which they did by using misogynistic language. Haha, that "floozy"/"fat bitch" got what she deserved.

The introductory quote from Nadine may be the most egregious example, but there are other honorary mentions from the thread:

• John, who considers racial slurs "slang" that he only uses when someone cuts him off in traffic, assuring us that he is otherwise not racist.
• Cat, who refused to read the article any further once she saw Michele Bachmann's name listed. (Yeah, where would anyone get off calling HER a bigot?)
• Rolf, who floats the idea that the Republicans mentioned in the article are probably actually Democrats who spent their careers pretending to be Republicans in an attempt to tarnish the party's reputation. Good theory!
• The dozen or so people who want to give John McCain a pass for saying "gook" and promising to continue using the term because he was a POW. I agree that his circumstances complicate things a bit, but I guarantee a lot of those people don't even give a second thought to Guantanamo Bay. 

Ultimately, I don't care much about figuring out the extent of Paula Deen's racism. Frankly, I have some relatives whose racism I need to worry about before some second-rate celebrity I've never paid attention to previously. But I do find it interesting that while Deen gets canned, U.S. politicians can actually get re-elected after displaying bigotry. Especially because their views - due to their powerful positions - contribute to institutional racism, which causes far more damage than someone who might say a slur out of ignorance rather than hate.

So when Mayor Michael Bloomberg responds to accusations of discrimination for NYC's Stop and Frisk policies by saying he thinks MORE minorities should be searched, I find that really problematic. When Bachmann names ways that black families were better off during slavery, I find that super upsetting, too. And when Bob Allen, a Florida Representative, gets caught trying to pay for gay sex and tries to excuse it by saying he was in the presence of black men and was willing to agree to anything not to get mugged that's… well, actually, that one's just hilarious. "I'm so afraid that a black man might hurt me that I tried to pay him money and offered him oral sex for my own safety" might be the funniest story I've ever heard.

The Renaissance Fair

I never thought I'd attend a Renaissance Fair (because ha!) but I found myself witnessing one today by accident. I met up with some teammates for a barbecue in a park, and much to our surprise, a lot of the space was claimed by a few hundred fully costumed Ren Fair devotees.

I like people-watching, but watching people who are playing pretend is fascinating in a whole new way. This wasn't a performance for an audience (though the couple dozen of us who happened to be at the park had great seats), just adults amusing themselves and each other by sweating through heavy costumes in heat that would have called for shorts and using funny accents to say words like "exalted" and "decree."

A lot of things were going on at the end of the Middle Ages, but if you were relying on these LARPers for your information, you might think it was nothing but fencing. The men loved fighting with their swords and that took up the majority of the day. It seems like it might be more accurate if some of them were sharecropping or whatever. Then again, if they were concerned with accuracy, I probably wouldn't have seen so many of them playing with their smartphones.

And then there was the Queen! She wore the fanciest gown and a crown, and had attendants follow her around with parasols to provide her majesty with shade. I wonder how they chose the Queen and whether she got to be the Queen every time they played. When an ice cream truck came to the park's parking lot, the Queen went over to buy some and several of her attendants tagged along. I also wondered whether they were obligated to do this or wanted popsicles, too.

Although the women remained primarily in subservient positions - true to the times, I suppose - it was nice to see that the African American participants held various ranks. More than anything, however, I was just surprised that there were black people there at all. It's times like these that I recognize my underlying prejudices. White people? I expect this kind of Ren-Fair shit from them. But black people… I guess I thought that black people were cooler than that.

10 More Ridiculous Children's Books

My liberrian friend (by which I mean she works at a liberry, she's not Liberian - not that there's anything wrong with that! unless this were Back to the Future) continues to find and send me photos of some of the most ridiculous children's literature her liberry houses. Here are 10 of my favorites:

Inspired by the Everclear song "Father of Mine"

I think it's safe to assume it's also The Last Book of Salt.

Being a teenager is plenty hard, but I bet it only gets worse after your parents read this book.

Something tells me they'll regret giving a baby to Max.

Coooooooooooooooool!

The liberry needs more books of men punching kids in the face.

Forget kids: I'd scream in terror if any of these men spoke to me.

Most books have only moderate amounts of rot.

Don't sit on the bench with Alex! He has AIDS!

Oh dear.

The Bombers Are Going to Get Away with It

Nah, this isn't some conspiracy theory. I'm not even talking about Boston. I'm actually referring to that OTHER explosion that killed a bunch of people and injured hundreds more last week.

Oh right. The news pretty quickly forgot about the West, Texas fertilizer plant explosion. I mean, it was reported initially because there was a chance that it was another "terrorist" attack, but then once everyone realized it was just a case of corporate irresponsibility, the mentality was, "Fuck that, we have some dangerous sorta brown men to catch!"

I'm not about to directly equate a terrorist bombing and an accidental explosion because there is obviously a difference in intentionality. But here is a fertilizer plant with over 1,000 times the legal limit of explosives on site that didn't pony up for sprinklers or fire safety precautions. Not only were they maximizing profits by exceeding the allowed output, but they were cutting corners on minor expenses that would keep their own employees - and the whole town, as it turns out - safe.

And then there's the government's role in the ordeal. No inspections had been performed on the plant in 6 years. In fact, on that last visit, the company was found to not have safety procedures in place. As a result, the plant was fined $2,300. That's a laughable business expense, not a punishment, for a company that rakes in millions.

This is GROSS NEGLIGENCE. Although they weren't purposely trying to blow up a whole town, they knew they were running that risk for a long time and chose to value extra profits over attempting to prevent a catastrophe.

For months to come, however, we're going to hear about what we need to do, who we need to kill, and which Constitutional liberties we need to sacrifice in order to keep us safe. Safe from terrorism, that is. No one is going to try to hold this company accountable or vilify it in the media. No lawmakers are going to cry for sweeping corporate safety reforms in order to protect Americans, even though more people were killed/harmed in West.

So when the state starts justifying racial profiling/immigration reform, adds even more invasive forms of airport and event security, and decides its in the nation's best interest to read your emails without a warrant all in the name of "SAFETY", don't believe that bullshit. It's part of a preexisting agenda. If they actually cared about your safety, they'd, you know, pass gun control (which kills an exponential amount of people compared to terrorism) or enact meaningful safety regulations in the workplace.

For the record, the government's excuse is that we are in a deficit and because of budget cuts, we can't afford to conduct safety inspections. Still, they'll find hundreds of billions to spend on a war against a country to get "revenge" for a terrorist attack it had no part in. (Don't act like it's never happened before.)

Oh, and before I'm done, I also want to say "Fuck a terrorist!" Ugh. Dudes, you got gripes about America? You and me both. But violence is not only reprehensible morally, but also, dare I say, counterproductive. If the intention of the bombing was to somehow undermine the United States, all it did was make its population fall more in love with the state and law enforcement, and that renewed trust and loyalty will ultimately contribute to more corruption.

In that sense, terrorists are as dumb as they are evil. Corporations, meanwhile, are as smart as they are evil… after all, they know they can get away with it.

Fried Chicken

On my commute home today, I was starving. I hadn't eaten any solid food all day, but I had groceries in the car, so I was looking forward to having an early dinner. Then, as is usually the case in LA, there was a traffic jam. The cars were barely moving, inching forward at best, and my stomach wouldn't stop growling. So I reached over to the nearest grocery bag and grabbed hold of some fried chicken.

Can I eat fried chicken in the car? I wondered. It seemed a little unconventional, but my hunger pangs won out and I started gnawing on a drumstick. I was so caught up in finally eating food, I was initially oblivious to the fact that passengers in both the cars to my left and right were watching me. And it wasn't just like, "Oh, look at that guy eating fried chicken in his car." Their stares conveyed more of a "Oh my goodness, there is a guy eating fried chicken in his car!" I was suddenly the poster child of American obesity.

If I weren't so hungry, I probably would have felt too self-conscious to grab a wing and continue snacking. I wanted to roll down my window and ask, "Jealoussss?" but my mouth was full.

I felt intensely judged, but in that moment, I mostly felt relieved that I'm not a black person. As disgusting as they thought I was, you know that old white couple next to me would be calling their friends to say, "They can't even sit in traffic without eating fried chicken!"

Eating chicken on the freeway might be a trite example of my white privilege, but it is an example nonetheless.

Accidental Racist

I've brought up "Accidental Racist", the misguided Brad Paisley/LL Cool J collaboration, every chance I get the past couple of days. It's easily the most fascinating thing to come out of pop culture this year. On the one hand, we have two prominent entertains singing a discussion about race relations, which is pretty important. On the other hand, the words they choose to articulate these thoughts just unintentionally wind up highlighting their own ignorance on the subject.

I wanted to blog about it immediately, but I decide to save my thoughts for a proper article on Care2. So go read "'Accidental Racist' Song Is, Well, Accidentally Racist." Since it's for the masses, it's a little less mean and sarcastic than something you'd read here, but you can throw in your "Dumbass!" after I mention that LL Cool J raps the lines, "If you don't judge my gold chains/I'll forget the iron chains."

The song is filled with "Why the hell did you say that?!" lines like that, and since "Brad Paisley's 'Accidental Racist': LL Cool J's 10 Craziest Lyrics" has already been written, I'd like to offer up a list of the crazy comments I received on my article instead:

• "GET A LIFE AND QUIT JUDGING THE SONG. ITS A SONG FOR HEAVEN'S SAKE !! EITHER ENJOY IT OR DON'T LISTEN TO IT. I for one think the song is bluesy and is AWESOME!! I really like Brad Pasley. It seems to me that everyone including the writers for care 2 has to put a negative spin on every little thing. EVERYONE HAS AN OPINION. GET OVER IT!!" - Judy [Everyone gets to have an opinion except for me, y'all, and Judy is not about to get over it!] 
• "Ever since the Oprah Show went away, I have been watching Ellen and loving every minute of it. She is so open, kind and funny, so I was shocked when she had this dude on her show, after he won some dopey award. What was she trying to prove? That she's open to all opinions and ideas??? Because it doesn't work for me, and I'm actually going to write and tell her!" - Linda [She'll love to hear from you, Linda.]
• "BTW Mr. Matthews your point about iron chains and gold chains may have some merit but you need to expand your thinking. The Do rags and the gold chains came from the gang culture. Gang culture is oppressive to anyone outside the gang." - Michael [Consider my mind expanded.]
• "Instead of dissecting every word and phrase, don't forget, (things need to rhyme in a song, sometimes) it's just like gifts. It's the thought that counts." - Michelle [Apparently, however, the thoughts on their thoughts don't count. Those aren't gifts at all.]
• "Leave Brad Paisley alone, please. He is my favorite singer and he should not be punished for a song he wrote." - Laura [He's her favorite singer, guys.]
• "To understand family experience in the south, where wmen and chi,dren were raped, and killed, all stock stolen and the homes and field burnt to the ground, slabves did not run to the union army, they hid just the everyone else." - Bill [Yeah, why isn't anyone remembering that sometimes the "slabves" fought back against those poor plantation owners?]
• "The song's not bad. The guy can sing, the music carries well the emotional message. I'm more of a metal fan, but even I can see some musical value to the song." - Genevieve [Ew.]
• "When will people learn to leave well enough alone.Do we really need to be reminded of the bygone days of injustice ??? I think not." - Kay [Yeah, why are we even still mentioning slavery?]
• "Just because some one thinks something is raciest in their view means that some who appreciates it for some other reason is a raciest." - Ernie [Can't argue with that because I don't know how.]
• "Hope you all realize that this song is meant to be a tearjerker and for EVERYONE to realize the history of events still goes on in peoples' minds. IT IS SUCH A BRILLIANT song! Makes me cry every time and I have listened to it over and over again. People who are judging this song as wrong, well, they are wrong, and/or are still racist. BEST SONG WRITTEN EVER! Brad Paisley is one of "thee" best country writers ever!" - Roseann [Not seeing the ignorance is one thing, but thinking this song is the best written ever is downright disconcerting. She has listened to it, right?]
• "The epitome of racist is millions of black Americans voting for a man simply because he is black and not considering experience, ability or knowledge." - Bruce [Because an article like this was sure to bring the bigots out.]
• "Racism is a thing of the past." - Bob [Sorry, I take that last comment back. Bruce can't be racist since racism doesn't exist anymore apparently.]
• "I'm not offended and I'm white." - Marilyn [We've all been waiting for a white person's opinion on this, and now we have it.]
• "As for him wearing the confederate flag, maybe he likes the pattern of it… This is the most skewed article I've seen on Care2. Could the author kindly contact both gentlemen and get an interview, instead of extrapolating their thoughts. [Later, in a subsequent comment] I have red swastikas in my home and often wonder if a Jewish person were to visit me, what their reaction would be?" - Quanta [Brad's not a racist, he's an art aficionado - one I should interview, no less. While we wait for that, I'm going to scratch my head and ponder how a Jewish person would feel in your house.] 

Look, I'm an academic at heart. I majored in English and Media studies - I like analyzing texts and discussing their cultural impact. Most plebs on the internet don't like that, though, and constantly tell me if I don't like it just not to listen to it. But there is value in discussing these these things and reaching a higher understand.

And that's why, ultimate, I still give some credit to Paisley and Cool J. They're trying to talk it out and raise the collective consciousness. They've got a way to go just as we all have a way to go (and how can you argue that after seeing those comments?) and we're definitely not going to get there if the ignorant people are being complacently ignorant.