Redskins

The best part about the Redskins losing their trademark is not that they are forced to change their name (because they're not), but that now we can ALL use the name Redskins without infringing on the trademark.

Since it's indisputably the best name around, smart sports teams better jump on this while it's hot. The Denver Redskins. The Cincinnati Redskins. The New England Redskins. There should just be an entire league of Redskins teams! Plus, once every team is doing it, no one can whine that it's "offensive."

I'm going to open up a cupcake business and name it Redskins Cupcakes just because I can.

Coffee Ad

Being from LA, it's not uncommon to see acquaintances who are "in the biz" on commercials and stuff, but I did a double take when I thought I saw a high school teacher I knew in a coffee commercial a couple of weeks ago.

Since it was an internet ad, I wasn't able to rewind it. I hadn't paid enough attention to catch the name of the product or get a good look at the star. I even tried to reload the video a bunch of times, but it played other advertisements instead. Oh well, I figured, I'm sure I was just mistaken.

I finally saw the advertisement again, though, and wouldn't you know, it was that woman I used to throw balls with. (That's not a euphemism, she was a sports teammate of mine.) Even the normal-seeming teachers in this town are shilling for companies now!

The best part is that the spot's slogan is "Someone you know loves Keurig." Ironically enough they're right: I do know Catherine. But I have my doubts are her love for the machine since it also identifies her as a "paid endorser of Green Mountain Coffee Roasters, Inc."

Captain Phillips: Best Picture Nominees in 60 Seconds

WARNING: spoilers and sarcasm

Captain Tom Hanks: Do you think I’ll encounter pirates at sea?
Mrs. Tom Hanks: What? Honey, no, you’ll be fine.
Captain Tom Hanks: Hey, crew, let’s run a pirate disaster drill.
Crew: This is a waste of time, Captain!
Captain Tom Hanks: [radios Coast Guard] Wait, now I really think that pirates are approaching us.
Coast Guard: They’re probably not pirates, Captain, chill out.
Somali Pirate: I’m on a boat! Specifically, your boat. And I’ll spare your life for $$$.
[tense moment where the pirates almost kill Hanks, but they don’t]
[another tense moment where the pirates almost kill Hanks but they don’t]
[yet against “tense” moment where the pirates almost kill Hanks but they don’t]
Captain Tom Hanks: The longer I’m held hostage, the more I realize it’s going to be hard for this film not to appear kind of racist.
Disney Exec: Yeah… but pirates are so in right now and Johnny Depp wasn’t available for another one yet, so we thought we’d take a chance.
Captain Tom Hanks: Any chance I can cash in on some white privilege to prevent these pirates from killing me?
Navy: [shoots all the pirates dead]
Captain Tom Hanks: [hysterical] I told you there’d be fucking pirates! 

See also:
Dallas Buyers Club
Best Picture Nominees in 60 Seconds 2013
Best Picture Nominees in 60 Seconds 2012

Every Moment at the Grammys Is a #GrammyMoment

So, how many Grammy Moments did YOU have last night? I had a few… but one of them was in my pants :(

I can still taste Ringo's taint on my breath after all that secondhand Beatles ass-licking that I was exposed to.

I appreciate Daft Punk for giving us a hint of the future. Hearing humans having to repeatedly say, "The robots want me to thank…" foretells a time when humans will be doing the robots' bidding.

I didn't realize it was possible, but LL Cool J is even worse at hosting an event than he is at writing a song about race relations in America.

I came in 6th out of 870 people at predicting the Grammy winners because that shit is really easy to figure out. When in doubt, bet on the lamer, mainstream option.

I can think of no less romantic way to get married than with an impersonal, mass ceremony conducted by Queen Latifah sandwiched in between Macklemore and Madonna performances. At least they validated the point that gay marriage is equal… ly stupid to any other kind of marriage.

I've defended Macklemore previously as a guy who is conscious of his white privilege and where he fits into the music scene, but I'm done, he's a sell out. Any points he gets for acknowledging societal ills are lost when he starts milking these flaws for his own gain. Like, dude wrote a really thoughtful song, "Wings", about consumerism and violence in the name of high priced sneakers, then sold the song to the NBA who edited it into some Nike celebrating nonsense. Fuck that noise.

I, too, am tired of being told to throw my hands up in the air, Lorde, but let's never forget that she's not even the best "Lordi" in the music industry.

Did you all swoon real hard for Kacey Musgraves, too? Memba I toldja about her at least twice now, so no excuses for not being a rabid fan. Seeing her singing about kissing girls, toking, and not giving a fuck about your judgmental neighbors and then pick up two awards was my personal highlight. Forget gay marriage - conservatives should really be up in arms about liberals coming for their precious country music!

How The Onion Made Me a Better Person

I'm not satirizing satire - The Onion really did prompt me to make a positive life decision.

A month ago, I tore a hole into my fitted bed sheet. It's old, so I believe the sheet had just worn thin over time. Since the hole was small, I just ignored it, but the more I slept on it, the wider the hole got from incidental tearing.

I considered sewing it, but then realized I didn't have the skills for that, so instead I fastened it with safety pins. Sleeping on top of safety pins isn't too comfortable, so I started just sleeping on top of the hole as if it weren't there.

Most people would be like "Time to buy a new sheet!" but I wasn't convinced that was necessary for whatever reason. Then I read I read The Onion's article "Nation's Single Men Announce Announce Plan to Change Bedsheets by 2019" and it dawned one me what a schlub I am.

I know I often make myself the punchline, but that's on my own terms, thankyouvermuch. Not wanting to be the butt of the joke in this case, I finally bought a new fitted sheet! Look at me being an adult, world!

Now, before things get too self-congratulatory, I should probably also admit that I still have not replaced this blanket that is also slowly accumulating holes.

I got this sucker over ten years ago in a corporate giveaway and I still sleep with it on my bed. A real adult would probably get rid of it, but, uh, baby steps.

Also, a real adult might know how to put a fitted sheet on his bed. After fifteen minutes of solid effort, the corners kept untucking and popping off, leaving me stewing in frustration. At one point, I even aggressively poked my finger through one of the corners as I tried to stretch it further (and I swear I didn't even cheap out on this sheet!) meaning I technically have a hole in this sheet, too, even though I hadn't even slept on it yet. ARGGGGHH!

The best solution would have been to ask a roommate for help, but I was determined to stretch it on my own and even used Google for potential tips. That's when I found this second Onion article: "Study Reveals Majority of Suicides Occur While Trying to Put Fitted Sheet on Bed."

I was about ready to hang myself with the fitted sheet at that point, and once again, The Onion put things in perspective. I might owe The Onion for not only improving my life, but also saving it.

Revolution

I changed the "political views" on my Facebook profile since "liberal" didn't accurately reflect my desire to overthrow a system by and for moneyed interests and then Facebook decided to automatically hyperlink my stance to an NBC television show of the same name.

You're part of the problem, Facebook.

Hi, I'm Calling about Your Boobs

My friend "Tiffany" got a call from "Roger", one of her best friend's father. Since they don't generally have any contact, naturally Tiffany assumed something awful had happened. In a sense, something awful had happened, but it had nothing to do with Roger's daughter.

For context, Tiffany has a history of breast cancer in her family. In fact, her sister was diagnosed at an early age, well before the age of recommended mammogram screenings. As a result, Tiffany's doctor thought it would be a good idea for Tiffany to get screened.

That's where Roger comes in. He works for a health insurance company. Coincidentally, he was assigned to Tiffany's request for a breast cancer screening. And then he called her up! Gee, must be nice to know someone who can approve your procedure and give you some personal service for once!

Except that, actually, Roger was calling Tiffany to tell her that he had denied her claim. After all, his job is to reject paying for most medical care… that's how a health insurance company operates! Normally a customer wouldn't receive a call, but once he recognized her name, Roger wanted to call Tiffany personally to tell her her doctor requested mammogram would not be covered by insurance and that he felt really bad about it.

Aww, poor Roger. It's nice to know he cares. Not enough to, like, ensure Tiffany is healthy, mind you, but there's just enough of a guilty conscious for him to admit he dicked her over. It's not like early detection could save her life or anything! He found some excuse for rejecting the claim and went with it!

For fuck's sake, if you can't even get someone who knows you and your personal history which validates this particular medical exam to cover the costs, how can you expect the health insurance industry to ever take care of you?

Anytime your friend's dad calls you up to discuss your boobs, it's bound to be an awful conversation, but this might be one of the worst cases.

The Millennial Problem

Ugh, fuck this millennial-hating and the Time Magazine article it rode in on. It’s a smear campaign to preemptively convince people that the problems people under 30 face are their own doing rather than inherited. What.Ever.

“Lazy”?
Lazy because they don’t have jobs… when jobs don’t exist. Never mind that those who do have jobs are probably working harder because they’re now expected to do the job that two people did not too long ago.

“Entitled”?
Yeah, fuck those young people who want “health care” and a “living wage” and “unpolluted air.”

“Narcissistic”?
A legitimate tendency, but also a learned behavior. What does our greedy, capitalist society teach us but to look out for #1 and hoard as much as you can for yourself. The 1% WANTS you to be narcissistic. If more people took the time to see outside of their own worldview, they wouldn’t stand up for the bullshit.

“Living with Their Parents”?
Want a job? Better go to college. Want to go to college? Take out $100,000+ in student loans. Want to move out? Nah, you now have to live with your parents because you are already super in the red and have a non-salaried job (if that). Good luck finding your way out of this system of debt slavery that we tricked you into.

Look, millennials have a lot of shit to work out, but let’s not pretend it has ever been a fair fight. If we’re ignorant, it’s primarily because we were raised in an underfunded, failing school system, a deliberate attempt to prevent an enlightened population from challenging the status quo. If we’re mindless consumers, it is because our supposed superiors have bred us to be just that, to find fulfillment in spending money and owning crap.

I’m mostly cynical, but as I wrote about recently, I have a shred of hope knowing that young Americans are more distrustful of American institutions than ever. Knowing the system is broken is the first step toward overthrowing it. Unfortunately, the enemy is mighty.

First they strip us of our money, homes, jobs, education, power, and autonomy. Then they have the nerve to scapegoat us for it, too? Fuck that noise.

The Bombers Are Going to Get Away with It

Nah, this isn't some conspiracy theory. I'm not even talking about Boston. I'm actually referring to that OTHER explosion that killed a bunch of people and injured hundreds more last week.

Oh right. The news pretty quickly forgot about the West, Texas fertilizer plant explosion. I mean, it was reported initially because there was a chance that it was another "terrorist" attack, but then once everyone realized it was just a case of corporate irresponsibility, the mentality was, "Fuck that, we have some dangerous sorta brown men to catch!"

I'm not about to directly equate a terrorist bombing and an accidental explosion because there is obviously a difference in intentionality. But here is a fertilizer plant with over 1,000 times the legal limit of explosives on site that didn't pony up for sprinklers or fire safety precautions. Not only were they maximizing profits by exceeding the allowed output, but they were cutting corners on minor expenses that would keep their own employees - and the whole town, as it turns out - safe.

And then there's the government's role in the ordeal. No inspections had been performed on the plant in 6 years. In fact, on that last visit, the company was found to not have safety procedures in place. As a result, the plant was fined $2,300. That's a laughable business expense, not a punishment, for a company that rakes in millions.

This is GROSS NEGLIGENCE. Although they weren't purposely trying to blow up a whole town, they knew they were running that risk for a long time and chose to value extra profits over attempting to prevent a catastrophe.

For months to come, however, we're going to hear about what we need to do, who we need to kill, and which Constitutional liberties we need to sacrifice in order to keep us safe. Safe from terrorism, that is. No one is going to try to hold this company accountable or vilify it in the media. No lawmakers are going to cry for sweeping corporate safety reforms in order to protect Americans, even though more people were killed/harmed in West.

So when the state starts justifying racial profiling/immigration reform, adds even more invasive forms of airport and event security, and decides its in the nation's best interest to read your emails without a warrant all in the name of "SAFETY", don't believe that bullshit. It's part of a preexisting agenda. If they actually cared about your safety, they'd, you know, pass gun control (which kills an exponential amount of people compared to terrorism) or enact meaningful safety regulations in the workplace.

For the record, the government's excuse is that we are in a deficit and because of budget cuts, we can't afford to conduct safety inspections. Still, they'll find hundreds of billions to spend on a war against a country to get "revenge" for a terrorist attack it had no part in. (Don't act like it's never happened before.)

Oh, and before I'm done, I also want to say "Fuck a terrorist!" Ugh. Dudes, you got gripes about America? You and me both. But violence is not only reprehensible morally, but also, dare I say, counterproductive. If the intention of the bombing was to somehow undermine the United States, all it did was make its population fall more in love with the state and law enforcement, and that renewed trust and loyalty will ultimately contribute to more corruption.

In that sense, terrorists are as dumb as they are evil. Corporations, meanwhile, are as smart as they are evil… after all, they know they can get away with it.

When a Woman's at the Wheel

I can't stop watching this laugh-out-loud sexist commercial.

I was pretty old before I first heard the "women are bad drivers" stereotype. The world is still littered with gendered prejudices, but that's just not a belief that carried over to my generation, at least not in my neck of the woods. But seeing this ad paints a pretty clear picture of just how inferior female drivers were considered. The campaign is literally, "Sometimes your idiot wife is going to have to drive, so you better have some fucking amazing tires so she doesn't kill everyone."

I think women getting the right to vote is important, but after seeing this commercial, I wonder if giving them the right to drive is a step too far. Look out, there's a woman on the road!

Click here to see the list of other offensive commercials I compiled.

SOMEBODY LEFT THE GATE OPEN

Will whoever left the gate open please confess to Citibank and that rock climbing lady already? I swear to gosh, if I find out that it's the same culprit who let the dogs out (I would presume a gate was left open then, too), I'm coming for him.

Generally, ads have a certain shelf life, but this one won't seem to go away. There's only so much of this Cyndi Lauper-wannabe's screaming that I can take.

And who in the hell would trust Citibank on a rock climbing trip anyway? With a reputation like theirs, they're bound to push you off the ledge… and then foreclose on your home for kicks.

Why Gay Marriage Is a Threat

I should have expected that by posting a fairly trite (though sincere!) article about gay marriage on the internet that it would attract a lot of crazy commenters, but it hasn't stopped shocking me each time someone angrily responds that eternal damnation, the deterioration of society, and humans marrying dogs will surely follow. Like, that's real? People actually use these arguments still?

Also, I'm not even pro-gay marriage, I'm just pro-marriage equality. If marriage equality were to mean that NO ONE could get married, I'd be just as (if not more) supportive of that. (Attending weddings, ugh.)

Honestly, gay marriage seems nearly as stupid, boring, and heteronormative as straight marriage. Granted, if some people have the right to make that decision than everyone should have the right to make that decision… I'm just not prepared to advocate for that decision. I don't trust the government, so why would I want it defining my personal relationships for me?

For real, gays: it's a trap! When same-sex marriage is legalized (and it's inevitable and almost certainly super soon), the best response is, "Thanks, but no thanks." Just because African Americans are now allowed to join most country clubs doesn't mean black people should go get a membership. 'Cause fuck that nonsense.

Gay marriage IS a threat. Not to family values, but to the queer identity. The radical, political lifestyle that intentionally positions itself outside of the norm, rejecting the traditions and societally pressures. Though sometimes the queer identity is an attempt to model desired change, it is also important as a form of resistance to monoculture. There is no freedom if we're not permitted to deviate.

Homophobia is a political tool. It has been imposed on society to obtain power. How many people have voted against their self interests for candidates who slash the education budget, squash unions, and further wealth disparity just because he or she (most likely he) defined marriage as between one man and one woman? It's an issue intentionally wielded as a distraction from society's real problems. Convince people that gays are destructive and they'll become blind to other more important issues.

Now, public perception has changed and the majority no longer fears homosexuals. As you can see from the unprecedented corporate and political support in my article, those in power know that they can no longer use homophobia to their advantage as effectively. So it's time for a new tactic: bring on the gay marriage. Mainstream homosexuals. Turn them into traditional consumers who become complacent, non-questioning members of society.

I know some gay people have waited their whole lives to feel normal, and if gay marriage helps them to achieve that, I'm happy for them. Just remember that the same establishment that felt it could dictate who you can love was using you before… and with this impending "progress" plans to use you again.

Being a Hero Is Pretty Easy, Actually

The up-escalator at Target stopped working as I approached it. Two tiny, older women were about halfway up the escalator at the time and screamed when it stopped moving - maybe they've seen Family Feud. Rather than continuing to walk up the escalator like a staircase, they walked back down to the bottom, which couldn't have been their desired destination. As I cut in front of them to model what walking up an immobile staircase looks like, they dramatically whined about how they lost all of their stuff and would have to start shopping again.

Indeed, their cart was stuck in the middle of the escalator. Target has these devices where shoppers can ride up the escalator alongside their shopping carts (if you've never seen what that looks like, here's a no-frills Youtube video) and that had stopped moving, too.

My first thought was to alert a Target employee to help them, and then I chuckled at the thought of a helpful Target employee. Those suckers will try to hide from you. Instead, I decided to help the theatrical customers myself. When I reached the halfway point, I reached over the banister on my tippy-toes and into the stranded cart to retrieve a few of the items at a time.

I brought the first of three armloads back down to them and they were ecstatic. "Oh thank you, thank you, THANK YOU!" I guess if you're the type to get hysterical over small things, it's important to counter that with being overly grateful when someone tries to assist you. I went back up and got another load, which they were also giddy about. By the time I brought them the last of their items, they squealed and each gave me a big hug. "You're our hero! Our hero!"

Hero seemed a little far-fetched for someone who stretched a bit to grab some items, but I can't pretend I didn't sort of like it. I mean, if the escalator had started up again while I was leaning over, I could have lost my balance and gotten hurt. But if there's anything that's worth risking your life for, it's retrieving fabric softener that these women could have just as easily gone back to the shelf for.

After I walked back up the escalator to resume my own shopping, the women finally followed suit, struggling to carry armloads of goods up to the top. I could have just delivered the items to the top in the first place and saved them the trouble, but I wasn't about to argue with their logic. Their logic had decreed me a hero. And the rest of you probably should now, too.

White Privilege and Macklemore

ramou: Finding other people who aren’t on Macklemore’s dick has, so far, been my favorite part of 2013. #THAT SONG IS SOME PRIVILEGED BULLSHIT AND CAN SUCK MY TEAT

I rarely disagree with Ramou, but I have to take exception in this case. My beef is actually with the Spin article that is contained in her link. I read that piece yesterday and could not get behind his thesis at all.

I like Macklemore a bunch, but truthfully I don’t care for “Thrift Shop.” The song is an anomaly on his album and anyone who likes/dislikes the artist based on this single has a very incomplete understanding of his music. He made a silly radio-friendly single, which I guess you can fault him for if you want, but that’s standard practice in contemporary music.



“Thrift Shop” is tongue-in-cheek! Playful! The lyrics are too ridiculous (“I wear your granddad’s clothes/I look incredible”) for him not to be spoofing on hipster culture. Rather than being “above” hipsters, however, he’s essentially embodying hipster culture by both participating and mocking simultaneously. Yeah the young audience that propelled the song to #1 probably reads it as literal, but I’ve similarly known people who don’t pick up on the obvious oral sex references in Flo Rida’s “Whistle” - that’s just the mainstream’s relationship to pop music for you.

It’s important to discuss white privilege on the regular, but I wouldn’t make Macklemore a main target of these conversations. He’s an intelligent man who raps about white privilege in his songs (check out the lyrics to “Claiming the City” and “A Wake”). He’s not only aware, he ruminates on the topic. If Brandon Soderberg thinks that a white guy can’t rap about thrift stores because he doesn’t understand the associated hardships of shopping at Goodwill, then maybe he’d agree that a white, liberal-arts educated man shouldn’t be covering hip hop for Spin. (Nah, he probably wouldn’t. Ride the privilege that helped get you that gig, Soderberg!)

Ultimately, even if “Thrift Shop” isn’t too my personal taste, I like the fact that there is now an anthem for thrifting. I am all about second-hand economies (so much that I’ve been trying to mainstream the phrase “second-hand economies” for years) and would love it if this song inspired people to buy more used goods. Firsthand consumerism is a system that generally fuels the already rich and depletes the earth’s resources. I buy used whenever practical out of a sense of social responsibility and community. I’m not even going to pretend that I don’t also get a thrill out of finding cheap and/or ironic things like Macklemore’s song references, but if more people got the same high from dropping $2 on a secondhand treasure as they do from putting themselves in credit card debt on material goods, then I view that as a positive. Maybe that’s just the opinion of a white privileged hipster, but if it is, I’m going to own it.

Hot!

The feeling is mutual, Pizza Hut.

The Queen of Versailles and the American Dream

IMPORTANT NETFLIX INSTANT (or DVD rental) RECOMMENDATION: The Queen of Versailles

The Queen of Versailles is a documentary about the Siegels, the family that is constructing the largest, most expensive (~$100 million) home in America. I like laughing at dumb 1%-ers, so I figured it'd be right up my alley. Indeed, I found those laughs when the protagonist fails to realize that it's demeaning to dress her nanny up in a full Rudolph costume to entertain Christmas party guests, when she gives a tour of her lavish home and says seemingly negligent things like, "This is the staircase I would come up if I was going to visit the children," and when she goes to an average car rental business (think Enterprise) and is surprised to learn the vehicle doesn't come with a chauffeur. In addition to the laughs, though, I was surprised to discover how much depth the film has.

Yup, there's depth to be found even in the shallowest of subjects, namely Jackie Siegel. She survived a childhood of poverty and an abusive first marriage and later became a beauty queen and trophy wife to a time-share tycoon. Jackie's new lifestyle has made her a pretty ridiculous person. You can't help but judge her dress, decor, priorities, and interactions. Jackie's so clueless, however, that she fails to realize anyone would judge her for such things… or feel anything but admiration for her wealth, for that matter.

It all plays out sort of like an episode of Bravo's The Real Housewives, although you need not be a fan of the franchise to enjoy this film. That's because it's not just about superficiality - it's about the American dream. It's a critique of how we idolize wealth and material possessions and assume our lives would be so much better if we could literally have it all. The Siegels have accomplished what most Americans aspire to… and they are no happier for it. If anything, they seem pretty unhappy.

This is evidenced by the Siegels' niece, who the family takes in after learning she's been living in squalor. The way she changes in the transition from filthy poor to filthy rich are mostly discernible through subtext, but she does a decent job of explaining it herself: She was initially appreciative to have a more secure life, but then she "got used to" getting everything she wanted so now she just finds new reasons to be miserable.

The niece is one of nine kids, by the way. The other eight all came out of Jackie's own (well, plastic surgery-enhanced) body. She said she initially only wanted one kid, but when she was able to hire a slew of nannies, there was no incentive to stop reproducing. In that sense, her breeding practices mimic her shopping habits: she just keeps buying anything and everything (even duplicates - how many Operation board games does one family need?) because she doesn't have to take on any responsibility. Meanwhile, the kids are adopting similar tendencies - collecting dozens of pets and killing some due to neglect. 

Partway through the film, the economy crashes and the time-share business takes a major dive. Even (near?-)billionaires like the Siegels are suddenly put under financial constraints and their pricy mansion goes into foreclosure. While selling their dream home would be the best option, as you might expect, the market for $100 million homes is non-existent.

Suddenly, the Siegels are just like us. The movie even helps draw the parallels for you: one of Jackie's childhood friends needs just a few thousand dollars to save her home from foreclosure, but even when she gets the funds, the bank decides to repossess the home anyway. And then there's one of the Siegel's domestic workers whose lifelong dream is to be a homeowner. By her own suggestion, she settles for taking over a cramped kids' playhouse in the backyard and could not be happier to have a place to call her own. 

One thing I appreciate about the documentary is that they don't make Jackie look like an asshole. It'd be easy - probably even tempting - to have done that, but you can still tell that she's well-intentioned even if she's too out-of-touch to be of much help to anyone. She's just a victim of her circumstances. Yeah, I know it's funny to call someone who is insanely wealthy a "victim", but in Jackie's case, I believe it to be true. I also believe her when she says she would be just as happy to scale back and live with her whole family in a one-bedroom apartment. Or well, I believe that she really believes that anyway. Old habits die hard. Understanding that she must now live on a limited budget, Jackie starts shopping at Walmart… yet still drops thousands of dollars on frivolous items.

Even though her ideals are drastically different from my own, I couldn't help but root for Jackie - maybe not to become super rich again, but to figure it out and pursue genuine contentment. I can't say the same about Jackie's husband, David. He does come across as an asshole, but I wouldn't blame the edit for that. It's hard to like a guy who refuses to spend time with his family, sexually harasses the Miss America contestants he invites to his home, tells his wife that he's going to trade her in for two 20 year-olds when she turns 40, and boasts that he illegally rigged the presidential election for George W. Bush.

Though we see less of David, he may be even more fascinating than Jackie. The man is corporate America. Due to his own humble beginnings, David was motivated to succeed later in life, assuming it would bring him the joy he was missing. When that didn't happen, rather than trying to find a different route, he figured he just needed to succeed even more, despite the fact that he already financially accomplished more than 99.99999% of people ever would. Alas, in pushing for even greater profits, David winds up gambling it all away.

Although David feels superior to his loyal wife and openly shows contempt for her, he's really not that much different than Jackie in that he is also entirely about appearances. He builds a gigantic house not to live in, but to impress others. He amasses a big family not to love, but to show off. He expands his business not because it's strategic, but so he can put his name on more buildings. Undoubtedly, David initially invited the film crew into his home because he knew he could convey an enviable life even if he didn't really have one. By the end, however, David is openly miserable, in large part because the narrative has evolved to that of a family that was formerly successful. When a man focuses on establishing a legacy rather than living a life that brings him actual joy, he is bound to become hostile when that legacy is exposed as a mirage. What good is being elite if people realize they wouldn't want to trade places with you after all?

What an accurate representation of the current, misguided American dream. And what a compelling argument for why we need to finally wake up from it. 

ARE YOU READY FOR SOME FOOTBALL?

I was. Well sort of. I'm not often a, "Go, sports!" kind of guy, but I'm out of town with relatives for a few days, so anything seems exciting at the moment. When my cousins invited me to watch some football at another house, I decided I was in. Sure, it sounded kind of boring, but LESS boring than watching my grandfather pass out in his armchair from his new medication all day, so yay football!

It wasn't just any football viewing experience either. There were three large TVs set up in a row, each one showing a different game. While I had difficulty focusing on even one game, some of my relatives had enough practice to keep track of everything simultaneously. This is why fantasy football is diabolically genius. It convinces people that they not only need to be invested in their favorite team's games, but EVERY team's games. For the sake of winning an imaginary game and bragging rights, every single point and play in all of the NFL suddenly matters. And let's be honest - it doesn't matter at all, it's just large scale capitalism guised as entertainment.

Because I always have to be difficult, I was in the corner "cheering" for the Cowboys, and the hosts made a big point of saying no one in their house cheers for the Cowboys. I get it, North-Easterners have no incentive to root for Texas teams. But my roommate is originally from Dallas, and by proximity, I've been following their season - more than any team anyway - so it just seemed appropriate to give them my meaningless support. I clapped as the Cowboys overcame a two touchdown deficit and brought the game to overtime… only to lose then. 

As I was departing and they made fun of "my" (ha) Cowboys again, I said, "Hey, they're called 'America's Team', so what kind of Americans are you? You may be rooting for the Patriots, but you certainly aren't patriots." At least that got a good laugh.

Okay, goodbye for now football, I'm sure we'll meet again when someone invites me to a Super Bowl party and I have to drink a lot just to laugh off the intense commercialism.  

No, YOU'RE Wasting Your Vote

I'm voting for a third party candidate tomorrow, despite all the lectures people throw at me. My fellow Californians and non-swing staters (in other words, just about everyone), we are ALL wasting our votes. The electoral college renders our votes for president fairly pointless.

In my state, a vote not cast for Obama is not, as you assert, a vote for Romney. Maybe that'd have some validity in Ohio, but there is no chance California will go anything but blue, so why wouldn't I take the opportunity to vote my conscience?

The reason my vote for a third party candidate is less wasted than others' votes for Obama or Romney is because at least it symbolizes a want for real change. While I wouldn't argue that there are no differences between Democrats and Republicans, I would contend that they are frighteningly similar in the ways that should alarm us most. My vote for a third party is a rejection of the two-party system that uses its power to shut out alternative voices. It's a vote for someone who is not bought and controlled by corporations. It's a vote for a candidate who does not feel that constant war should be a foregone conclusion. It's a vote for someone who will actually acknowledge and substantially address global warming.

Will a third party candidate win tomorrow? No. But there needs to be a momentum shift. Some people need to take the leap initially before others will feel comfortable to follow suit. In a sense, my vote is one for a movement that will (hopefully) happen years down the road. How is that a waste?

If you're a non-swing stater and vote for one of the two major candidates, then you're buying into the myth that we need one of them. Ignore the rhetoric. "This is the most important election ever." Yeah, they said that last time. And the time before. And I kept ignoring my values and have little to show for it. Which election will be "important" enough to vote the way I want rather than the way I'm told I have to? At any given point, it may seem like a good time to choose the lesser of two evils, but at what point does it stop? Who wants to look back at their life and say, "I always voted for evil"?

This election, there are actually multiple third party candidates I wish I could cast my vote for. I wrote profiles up for 7 of the most prominent choices for Care2. Check them out, maybe you'll become smitten, too. Together, we can start the process of defeating a corrupt system by using one of that system's flaws - the electoral college - to confidently cast our votes for someone other than the two preordained choices with no fear of consequences. 

Or, you know, you could just waste your vote.

Sandy's His Name If You Please

I wonder if a whole song went into naming this hurricane Sandy?

I've never been part of naming a hurricane, but I have been part of naming a hurricane-focused essay. When Heather needed a title for her undergraduate thesis on the gender politics of Hurricane Katrina, I suggested, "Why Don't They Call It a Him-icane?" I don't know whether she went with that title, but let's assume she did, and let's also assume it's the sole reason she was given an honors distinction. You're welcome, Heather.

Watching all of the Hurricane Sandy footage on television, it's easy to forget that I'm not actually hiding inside from a hurricane. Then when I go outside it's like, "Oh, yeah, I'm in sunny Arizona."

I'm here visiting with a couple of people who have business jobs on the east coast, emphasis on the coast. They are NOT happy about how Hurricane Sandy is disrupting their jobs. "They better not close Wall Street, we have important trades that need to happen!" One wanted to make sure his office stayed open anyway, because no flooding would affect the employees on the thirty-somethingth floor anyway. Easy call for you to make on the behalf of other people when you're thousands of miles away from the problem.  It seems to me that - every once in a while - it may be useful to indicate to your employees that you value their safety over additional profits, even if it winds up just being a symbolic gesture.

Whether Hurricane Sandy winds up being as destructive as predicted is yet to be seen. But if the storm is over-hyped, it's at the hands of the corporate bankrolled politicians and corporate owned media. If Wall Street is upset at how it is being impeded for no reason, it only has itself to blame. Sometimes, it's okay for rich people to not make additional money. Sometimes.

Unless you're US Weekly, in which case, by all means, reference a tragedy flippantly, then carry on with business as usual.  

Flash Mountain

While at Disneyland, Christine attempted to make her Splash Mountain photo a little more exciting by using her scarf as a prop to pretend to hang herself as the log flume took its plunge. After the ride, she went to check out the results, but her photo never appeared on the screen. Instead, she was scolded by an employee for trying to "ruin Disneyland's magic". 

Granted, pantomimed suicide is sort of tacky, but you'd think that people who operate a ride based on a notoriously racist film could stand to be a little less judgmental. I proposed staging a Topless Splash Mountain event in protest, and Mike asked, "You mean Flash Mountain?" "Oh, that's a way better pun," I acknowledged. "No, it's a real thing," he explained.

Indeed, it must be true because Snopes says so. There's visual evidence, too, at a website that I've somehow been unaware of all my life which features women who have exposed their breasts on Splash Mountain. Apparently, the good folks at Disney can't filter out every inappropriate image. 

You might prefer - as I did - to look at the boobs in an animated sequence. I applaud these women - they are not "ruining" Disneyland's magic, but enhancing it.