I Love Grandma Sweaters

Previously, I’ve come to terms with the fact that I probably wear dead people’s clothing, but I’ve never done it so brazenly and defiantly.

It all occurred in the supposedly “haunted” house in Kentucky. While exploring a dark room that turned out to just be a walk-in closet, I hit the jackpot. Inside, I found about one hundred of the tackiest grandma outfits. I tried to show off the clothes to some of the fellow guests, but Gina insisted that I not touch them out of fear that I would disturb the Recently Deceased Old Woman’s spirit and prompt her to take revenge. Although I didn’t believe that, I also didn’t want to get in a debate over it, so I just left it alone.

Well, I left it alone for a little while, but the ridiculous sweaters were practically calling to me. Sneaking away, I put a couple articles of clothing on before making a dramatic entrance dressed like Recently Deceased Old Woman. Surprised at the sight, everyone laughed heartily – I told them the clothes were ugly, but they didn’t believe just how ugly until they saw them for themselves.

Suddenly, no one cared about awakening her spirit and everyone wanted in; a few of us put on the sweaters. Stephanie and I were so committed that we started wearing our favorites all around Kentucky. We wore them to restaurants, we wore them to bars, we wore them for walks down the street.

It was a bold move on my part. I mean, this is Kentucky, not Hollywood. The locals aren’t used to seeing men intentionally emasculate and humiliate themselves. I was somewhat afraid that someone would start beating me up and calling me a sissy or whatever, but fortunately no one said anything to me. At a bar, while Stephanie wore the crazy flower sweater, some guy called her a lesbian and proceeded to wrestle her to the ground, so that was pretty freaky, and we had to leave after that, but no one said anything to me.

While no one said anything to me, they were certainly saying things about me. I got a kick out of watching people watching me and whispering or pointing and laughing. They were just jealous that they weren’t staying in a nice house with a wild, extensive wardrobe.

I liked my sweater so much that I contemplated integrating it into my wedding outfit. Alec helped style me, with sexy results:

How Fresh Prince of Bel-Air am I? Ultimately, I chose not to wear the sweater to the wedding because I didn’t want to be disrespectful. Well, truthfully, I just didn’t think it right to upstage the bride – you know I’d be turning heads in that outfit. After the reception, however, I was sure to put on the blue duck sweater vest.

The groom’s mom saw some of us wearing the sweaters and asked me whether I had gotten them out of the house. I winced, afraid that I was about to be reprimanded for not being respectful of the Recently Deceased Old Woman’s belongings. Fortunately, Mom told me that she found it “hysterical” and made it a point to say that she thought Recently Deceased Old Woman would get a real kick out of knowing that young people were wearing her clothes around town. She also added that while Recently Deceased Old Woman was a great person, her kids are not, so she asked me to make sure all the clothes went back exactly where they were found when we were done with them to avoid pissing them off. I readily agreed, and took care of that task the next day. I might have contemplated stealing a sweater otherwise (let’s be honest, those clothes will never be worn again), but I wanted to be respectful.

In the meantime, I continued wearing it the rest of the night, happy in the knowledge that I would be pleasing the Recently Deceased Old Woman. With any luck, maybe I did awaken her spirit when I wore her clothing – I hope she had a good time playing all around Kentucky with me.