Get Testes for Swine Flu

Oh, swine flu. Or "Mexican Flu" as some people want to call it, because swine flu is "offensive" to pigs or some nonsense, and calling it "Mexican Flu" is not nearly as bigoted and certainly doesn't attempt to equate Mexican people with pigs. I don't like saying the phrase "swine flu" because it always makes me think of "swine flew," which is to say that pig's can fly. In the past, I've agreed to kiss, vote for, and otherwise associate with certain people "when pigs fly." If the swine flu obligates me to follow through with these claims, it might as well be the apocalypse.

But the fact is that swine flu/Mexican flu/whatever is not apocalyptic. I'd prefer to call it Hypochondriac's Delight. I swear, the hysterics are such that if people heard that the best way to immunize themselves against the swine flu was to inject yourself with HIV, people would be lining up to get the shot.

Meanwhile, I'm trying to do my part by eating lots of ham, eliminating one delicious pig at a time. Who am I kidding, though? I always eat a lot of ham.

For the record, I like pigs. In particular, pigs have an admirable quality that dwarves the human species' in comparison. Rather than stating it directly, I'll share an anecdote:

As a teen, I occasionally volunteered for the Heifer Project, which meant I was put to work as a farmhand. On one trip to the farm, I was introduced to the "stud" pig. This pig was old, massive, gray, sporadically hairy, blind, and could barely move. Even in that condition, however, he was the fortunate one who got to impregnate all the lady pigs on the farm, in addition to eating all of the expired food that grocery stores donated that his fat heart desired. While bringing stale bread and eggs to feed this pig, my friend Oraine and I contemplated whether or not this pig had a good life, all things considered. Ultimately, Oraine decided he wasn't jealous, however, because this pig was sure to die soon, pointing out the large tumors on his backside. I immediately became concerned that maybe the farmers weren't aware of the pig's condition. We told the farmer about the tumors, so he came to check out what we had seen.

"Those aren't tumors, those are pig balls," the farmer said matter-of-factly.

I've felt like an idiot more times than I can count, but alerting a farmer of a pig's giant testicles still ranks up there.

It didn't occur to me to take a picture of that particular pig, but years later at a county fair, I knew I needed to document them properly:


Look at those! That's a lot of balls! If enlarged sexual organs are a side effect of swine flu, may we all be so lucky to be infected!