A Wise Man

A wise man once said: Believe in a higher power and you'll be taken care of.

He only said it once, though, because he was a wise man after all and came to realize how dumb that sentiment is.

Ahhhhhh, It's Escaping!

That's my butt, y'all. No comment on whose hand.

Please Mess with Texas

Whoa, whoa, whoa… I just need to get a few things straight.

So this morning, the Supreme Court decides to eliminate part of the Voting Rights Act because discrimination is so 200 years ago. Then within 2 hours, Texas is like "haha, we had these racist proposals waiting in the wings and now that we're allowed, let's reintroduce them asap!" Redistricting lines that were drawn to intentionally weaken minority representation look like they're back on the table. And voter ID laws are back, too. Can students use student IDs? No. Can people use Social Security cards? No. Can people use expired gun licenses issued out of state? Of course!

Don't tell me these rules aren't meant to favor a certain segment of the population over another. At least it's in the name of stopping voter fraud! Oh wait. Texas's Congress actually committed voter fraud tonight by falsifying time stamps on when its members voted. After trying to push through super restrictive abortion legislation, it failed to complete the vote by midnight (thanks to Wendy Davis's filibuster) but pretended it succeeded anyway. Hooray! Well, at least the bill was important enough to break the law in order to pass. I mean, politicians have a responsibility to represent their constituents… and with just EIGHTY PERCENT of Texans opposed to this law, it makes sense that they would proceed with it at any cost.

 I'm so sick of this sham of a democracy. This isn't a democracy, this is a rigged system masquerading as the will of the people. We should all be insulted that we are made complicit in things like this. For seeing the thousands of flaws and shrugging at them. But hopefully this is revolting enough for us to start… well… revolting.

(For full disclosure, I am actually changing the time of this post on Blogspot so that it lists as a Tuesday post, not Wednesday when I actually completed it. You can call me a hypocrite when this alteration in any way affects your uterus.)

Abbreviating Tampons

In this busy world, there's no time to say complete words anymore. Therefore, words we use the most in conversation - chiefly "tampons" - need to be abbreviated.

A couple of months ago, a small committee of friends set out to determine the best way to shorten "tampons". (And by shorten, I mean the word, not the product… you still need to be able to fish it out.) We even included some females in this committee because it seemed pretty progressive (if not farfetched) to give ladies a partial say in a matter related to women's health.

It came down to two popular abbreviations: tamps and 'pons. (There was also a friendly amendment for "tampies," but I don't know. Sounds a little too cute for a post-pubescent contraption.)

A vote resulted in a deadlock tie: half for tamps and half for 'pons. I'm personally not in the tamp camp. While I agree people would more readily recognize the word ("Excuse me, I have to go put a tamp in"), it just seems too harsh sounding. 'Pons on the other hand has a cool apostrophe and that magical ring of a feminine hygiene product.

I thought the strongest case was made when someone pointed out that "tamp" was already a verb: "to drive in or down by a succession of light or medium blows". So why not make 'pon the abbreviation and tamp the action verb? Then you can TAMP a 'PON and the complete word suddenly makes a whole lot sense. Besides, we basically need a verb. Any conversation about a 'pon that doesn't include a graphic description of the insertion is pretty much a waste.

But help us settle our debate: tamps or 'pons?

Cup Holder

I don't know when they started making ornamental cup holders, but I really don't see the point.

R. Kelly Party

Look, I'm not advocating turning 30… but if you HAVE to do it for whatever reason, do it with an R. Kelly party, 'cause the other night was a lot of fun.

I basically forgot it was my birthday. It was all about Kells, and that's how I wanted it. We projected his music videos on the walls: Trapped in the Closet, the religious tunes, sex jams, the radio hits, more sex jams, sing-alongs, his step dancing tracks, and still more sex jams, obviously.

Everyone should get laid off just before their birthday, because that gave me a lot of free time to prepare for the bash. For example, I homemade made a 6-foot tall R. Kelly cutout. I emptied a color ink cartridge on my home printer and butchered a piece of foam insulation in the process, but I'm pretty happy with how it turned out. People thought I had it professionally done, which is too kind of a compliment for how it looked, but I will accept the compliment considering how many hours I put into the damn thing.

With my sudden free time, I also made a bunch of "lyric hats" for everyone to wear. It was construction paper headwear that included some of the most absurd and raunchiest R. Kelly song lines, and I think it helped set the tone.

Then again, the tone was probably mostly set by everyone "sippin' on coke and rum". Thankfully, it got wild without turning into a shit-show… I'm going to chalk that up to the maturity that comes with 30!

There were water guns - some filled with water, some with rum - so that people could squirt on each other freely. Yellow streamers accentuated the doorways. And just when you thought all the urination jokes were complete, a sign on the restroom door restricted where (read: who) you could pee on.

My highlight of the night was when people brought out the cake and 40 people sang "Ignition" instead of "Happy Birthday." That transitioned into "Echo" "Real Talk" "Bump n Grind" "I Believe I Can Fly" and some step dancing. I barely dance at this stage of my life, but many of us were going for it. For as ridiculous as the man is, R. Kelly also makes some great music.


Fuck losing my job, I think I found my next career: party planning. I mean, I'd prefer it if people just hired me to do R. Kelly parties for them because I've got that one down and it's better than any other theme you'd dream up, but I suppose I could learn to make life-size cutouts of other things, too. THINK ABOUT IT.

Okay, Fine, I'm 30

I turned 30 today, and I'm okay. I know people are concerned after my previous post, but I'll be fine. Things aren't going entirely to plan, but when does it ever? I hung out with a lot of people who are over 30 tonight, and none of them seem "old", so that helps put things in perspective. I'm not much different, I'm just a little closer to death… and sometimes that doesn't seem like a bad thing!

Last night, I tried to come to terms with the major transition and posted a question to Facebook: "Quick, what's something you can only do in your 20s? I only have a few hours left." The answers were pretty intriguing… to ME anyway:

• I don't think I have it in me to go to a lesbian karaoke bar every week. Or get harassed by cops when they catch us drinking 40s in a park after hours.
• I've never spray tanned, but I've tried a tanning bed with poor results. 
• I now learned the word "koan", so that's something. 
• Telling people I'm in my 20s was probably the most reasonable suggestion that had me going "duh." Good answer. 
• I've done some variation on the pants pooping thing, sadly. But I was 20, not like late or even mid 20s, thankyouverymuch. 
• Amber might not remember, but she did put a reddish tint in my hair once as a teen, and my mom freaked out. Maybe I can get away with that in my 40s. 
• Does 30 really mean my horse fucking days are over?! 
• I still always THINK I can hang with young 20-somethings… until I actually do and I'm like "oh no, this is not working."
• Considering that last post, I don't know that "writing with self pity and angst" is over.
• I have beer with Luie every week, so he's being a knucklehead. 
• The injury thing is already true!
• I don't have it in me to party like I used to. Or not feel bad the next day. Mainly my body won't even let me drink too much anymore in the knowledge that I don't want to feel bad the next day. 

Mostly, it served as a reminder that my 20s were already over. I mentally checked out of that shit a while ago. I might have been clinging to 29 as a number… but as a lifestyle. Nahhhh. Well, except for this weekend. I'm throwing an R. Kelly themed birthday party this Saturday. It's gonna be filthy. Come!

I TURN 30 IN TWO DAYS.

THAT’S ENOUGH REASON FOR ANYONE TO HAVE AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS SLASH DEPRESSION, BUT NOT ME, I’M DOING GREAT. LIFE IS SO GREAT.

I MEAN, IT’S NOT LIKE I LOST MY JOB TODAY. OUR WHOLE STAFF WAS SACKED AND NOW I DON’T HAVE A STEADY INCOME. I WAS JUST GETTING USED TO HAVING MONEY. GETTING USED TO NOT SECOND-GUESSING WHETHER I CAN AFFORD TO GET A DRINK AT A BAR OR GOING OUT TO EAT WITH MY FRIENDS. IT SEEMED LIKE A PRIVILEGE THAT REAL GROWN-UPS, REAL 30-SOMETHINGS EXPERIENCE. BUT NOT ME, NOT ANYMORE.

MY BOSS (WHO WAS ALSO LET GO) TOLD ME HE COULD HAVE TOLD ME ON FRIDAY, BUT HE DIDN’T WANT TO RUIN MY WEEKEND. SO SURE, RUIN MY BIRTHDAY INSTEAD. WAIT UNTIL AFTER I SPENT A LOT OF MONEY TRAVELING. AND WORSE, WAIT UNTIL AFTER I TOLD OFF THIS WOMAN WHO PAYS ME A LOT OF MONEY THAT I WAS DONE DOING BUSINESS WITH HER. FINANCIALLY, IT WAS STUPID, BUT I HAVE MY PRIDE! EXCEPT NOW IT TURNS OUT I NEED THE MONEY, NOT THE PRIDE. WHOOPS! 

MY WEEKEND WAS KIND OF RUINED ANYWAY SINCE MY BUILDING WAS BEING FUMIGATED FOR BED BUGS. I DIDN’T HAVE BED BUGS, BUT ANOTHER UNIT DID, AND THEY TENTED THE WHOLE FUCKING PLACE, WHICH MADE ME TEMPORARILY HOMELESS. MY LANDLADY NOT ONLY KICKED ME OUT TO DO THIS BUT ALSO EXPECTED ME TO BE THERE WHEN THE EXTERMINATOR ARRIVED BOTH TIMES AND WAIT AROUND FOR THE GAS MAN TO HOOK UP/DISABLE THE GAS TWICE BECAUSE SHE WAS “BUSY” AND I’M THE NICE ONE. I LOVE THAT PEOPLE KNOW THEY CAN EXPLOIT MY REPUTATION FOR BEING A PUSHOVER. MAKES ME FEEL GREAT. AND 30!

EVEN THOUGH I ASKED TO BE COMPENSATED FOR MY TIME/INCONVENIENCE, MY LANDLADY ONLY GAVE A SMALL PORTION OF A RENT REDUCTION. IT WASN’T ENOUGH TO COVER A CHEAP MOTEL, SO I TRAVELED TO ARIZONA SINCE I’D HAVE A PLACE TO STAY. I WASN’T ALLOWED TO BRING MY LUGGAGE OR ANY CLOTHING OR WHATEVER, SO I PACKED MY STUFF IN A TRASH BAG. MY CARRY-ON WAS A TRASH BAG! THAT’S NOT SOMETHING YOU SEE IN AN AIRPORT EVERY DAY. BY THE WAY, IT WAS 111 DEGREES IN ARIZONA. UGGHHHH. I’D RATHER BE AT HOME INHALING POISONS AND CUDDLING WITH BED BUGS, THANK YOU VERY MUCH. 

BUT OTHER THAN THAT, THINGS ARE GREAT. IT’S NOT LIKE I’M LOSING MY HAIR AND GAINING WEIGHT. IT’S NOT LIKE I’M DESPERATELY IN NEED OF HEALTH INSURANCE. IT’S NOT LIKE I HAVE NO DIRECTION IN LIFE. IT’S NOT LIKE I’M REALLY ANGRY ABOUT THE WORLD AND FEEL HELPLESS TO DO ANYTHING. BEING 30 IS GOING TO BE SO FUCKING GREAT!

SORRY FOR ALL THE CAPITAL LETTERS, I JUST WANTED TO MAKE SURE I WAS PROPERLY EMPHASIZING HOW MUCH I HAVE IT TOGETHER. 

Dominate, Explode

OH MY G! I just found the best new way to waste time on the internet. (Because we all need more ways of doing that, right?)

So YouTube has this "Automatic Closed Caption" option that will attempt to transcribe some videos' audio, but it is AWFUL. Truly awful. However, what it lacks in accuracy, it makes up for in hilarity. Even a dumb YouTube video becomes an amusing one with this feature on.

I decided to experiment with something dry, dialogue-driven, and cliche-filled: student council speeches. And I'll be damned if I didn't watch nine minutes of teenagers saying nothing and laughing the whole time.


Go ahead. Play the video, and make sure to click the CC button in the menu and choose the "English (automatic captions)" option. You really need to see them in succession, but some of my favorite snippets include:

I heard Attorney Steve Obvious beat Bob Loblaw in court!

The Renaissance Fair

I never thought I'd attend a Renaissance Fair (because ha!) but I found myself witnessing one today by accident. I met up with some teammates for a barbecue in a park, and much to our surprise, a lot of the space was claimed by a few hundred fully costumed Ren Fair devotees.

I like people-watching, but watching people who are playing pretend is fascinating in a whole new way. This wasn't a performance for an audience (though the couple dozen of us who happened to be at the park had great seats), just adults amusing themselves and each other by sweating through heavy costumes in heat that would have called for shorts and using funny accents to say words like "exalted" and "decree."

A lot of things were going on at the end of the Middle Ages, but if you were relying on these LARPers for your information, you might think it was nothing but fencing. The men loved fighting with their swords and that took up the majority of the day. It seems like it might be more accurate if some of them were sharecropping or whatever. Then again, if they were concerned with accuracy, I probably wouldn't have seen so many of them playing with their smartphones.

And then there was the Queen! She wore the fanciest gown and a crown, and had attendants follow her around with parasols to provide her majesty with shade. I wonder how they chose the Queen and whether she got to be the Queen every time they played. When an ice cream truck came to the park's parking lot, the Queen went over to buy some and several of her attendants tagged along. I also wondered whether they were obligated to do this or wanted popsicles, too.

Although the women remained primarily in subservient positions - true to the times, I suppose - it was nice to see that the African American participants held various ranks. More than anything, however, I was just surprised that there were black people there at all. It's times like these that I recognize my underlying prejudices. White people? I expect this kind of Ren-Fair shit from them. But black people… I guess I thought that black people were cooler than that.

10 More Ridiculous Children's Books

My liberrian friend (by which I mean she works at a liberry, she's not Liberian - not that there's anything wrong with that! unless this were Back to the Future) continues to find and send me photos of some of the most ridiculous children's literature her liberry houses. Here are 10 of my favorites:

Inspired by the Everclear song "Father of Mine"

I think it's safe to assume it's also The Last Book of Salt.

Being a teenager is plenty hard, but I bet it only gets worse after your parents read this book.

Something tells me they'll regret giving a baby to Max.

Coooooooooooooooool!

The liberry needs more books of men punching kids in the face.

Forget kids: I'd scream in terror if any of these men spoke to me.

Most books have only moderate amounts of rot.

Don't sit on the bench with Alex! He has AIDS!

Oh dear.