I TURN 30 IN TWO DAYS.

THAT’S ENOUGH REASON FOR ANYONE TO HAVE AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS SLASH DEPRESSION, BUT NOT ME, I’M DOING GREAT. LIFE IS SO GREAT.

I MEAN, IT’S NOT LIKE I LOST MY JOB TODAY. OUR WHOLE STAFF WAS SACKED AND NOW I DON’T HAVE A STEADY INCOME. I WAS JUST GETTING USED TO HAVING MONEY. GETTING USED TO NOT SECOND-GUESSING WHETHER I CAN AFFORD TO GET A DRINK AT A BAR OR GOING OUT TO EAT WITH MY FRIENDS. IT SEEMED LIKE A PRIVILEGE THAT REAL GROWN-UPS, REAL 30-SOMETHINGS EXPERIENCE. BUT NOT ME, NOT ANYMORE.

MY BOSS (WHO WAS ALSO LET GO) TOLD ME HE COULD HAVE TOLD ME ON FRIDAY, BUT HE DIDN’T WANT TO RUIN MY WEEKEND. SO SURE, RUIN MY BIRTHDAY INSTEAD. WAIT UNTIL AFTER I SPENT A LOT OF MONEY TRAVELING. AND WORSE, WAIT UNTIL AFTER I TOLD OFF THIS WOMAN WHO PAYS ME A LOT OF MONEY THAT I WAS DONE DOING BUSINESS WITH HER. FINANCIALLY, IT WAS STUPID, BUT I HAVE MY PRIDE! EXCEPT NOW IT TURNS OUT I NEED THE MONEY, NOT THE PRIDE. WHOOPS! 

MY WEEKEND WAS KIND OF RUINED ANYWAY SINCE MY BUILDING WAS BEING FUMIGATED FOR BED BUGS. I DIDN’T HAVE BED BUGS, BUT ANOTHER UNIT DID, AND THEY TENTED THE WHOLE FUCKING PLACE, WHICH MADE ME TEMPORARILY HOMELESS. MY LANDLADY NOT ONLY KICKED ME OUT TO DO THIS BUT ALSO EXPECTED ME TO BE THERE WHEN THE EXTERMINATOR ARRIVED BOTH TIMES AND WAIT AROUND FOR THE GAS MAN TO HOOK UP/DISABLE THE GAS TWICE BECAUSE SHE WAS “BUSY” AND I’M THE NICE ONE. I LOVE THAT PEOPLE KNOW THEY CAN EXPLOIT MY REPUTATION FOR BEING A PUSHOVER. MAKES ME FEEL GREAT. AND 30!

EVEN THOUGH I ASKED TO BE COMPENSATED FOR MY TIME/INCONVENIENCE, MY LANDLADY ONLY GAVE A SMALL PORTION OF A RENT REDUCTION. IT WASN’T ENOUGH TO COVER A CHEAP MOTEL, SO I TRAVELED TO ARIZONA SINCE I’D HAVE A PLACE TO STAY. I WASN’T ALLOWED TO BRING MY LUGGAGE OR ANY CLOTHING OR WHATEVER, SO I PACKED MY STUFF IN A TRASH BAG. MY CARRY-ON WAS A TRASH BAG! THAT’S NOT SOMETHING YOU SEE IN AN AIRPORT EVERY DAY. BY THE WAY, IT WAS 111 DEGREES IN ARIZONA. UGGHHHH. I’D RATHER BE AT HOME INHALING POISONS AND CUDDLING WITH BED BUGS, THANK YOU VERY MUCH. 

BUT OTHER THAN THAT, THINGS ARE GREAT. IT’S NOT LIKE I’M LOSING MY HAIR AND GAINING WEIGHT. IT’S NOT LIKE I’M DESPERATELY IN NEED OF HEALTH INSURANCE. IT’S NOT LIKE I HAVE NO DIRECTION IN LIFE. IT’S NOT LIKE I’M REALLY ANGRY ABOUT THE WORLD AND FEEL HELPLESS TO DO ANYTHING. BEING 30 IS GOING TO BE SO FUCKING GREAT!

SORRY FOR ALL THE CAPITAL LETTERS, I JUST WANTED TO MAKE SURE I WAS PROPERLY EMPHASIZING HOW MUCH I HAVE IT TOGETHER.