2014-02-02
2014-01-28
KONY 2012... Pizza
Kings of New York would ordinarily make for a cool acronym, but post Kony-gate, the number one association people will have with the name is either a notorious child murderer or a cringe-worthy internet marketing campaign that ended with some guy masturbating in public… and I'm not sure which of those is worse.
Rebrand, rebrand, rebrand!
2014-01-27
Every Moment at the Grammys Is a #GrammyMoment
So, how many Grammy Moments did YOU have last night? I had a few… but one of them was in my pants :(
I can still taste Ringo's taint on my breath after all that secondhand Beatles ass-licking that I was exposed to.
I appreciate Daft Punk for giving us a hint of the future. Hearing humans having to repeatedly say, "The robots want me to thank…" foretells a time when humans will be doing the robots' bidding.
I didn't realize it was possible, but LL Cool J is even worse at hosting an event than he is at writing a song about race relations in America.
I came in 6th out of 870 people at predicting the Grammy winners because that shit is really easy to figure out. When in doubt, bet on the lamer, mainstream option.
I can think of no less romantic way to get married than with an impersonal, mass ceremony conducted by Queen Latifah sandwiched in between Macklemore and Madonna performances. At least they validated the point that gay marriage is equal… ly stupid to any other kind of marriage.
I've defended Macklemore previously as a guy who is conscious of his white privilege and where he fits into the music scene, but I'm done, he's a sell out. Any points he gets for acknowledging societal ills are lost when he starts milking these flaws for his own gain. Like, dude wrote a really thoughtful song, "Wings", about consumerism and violence in the name of high priced sneakers, then sold the song to the NBA who edited it into some Nike celebrating nonsense. Fuck that noise.
I, too, am tired of being told to throw my hands up in the air, Lorde, but let's never forget that she's not even the best "Lordi" in the music industry.
Did you all swoon real hard for Kacey Musgraves, too? Memba I toldja about her at least twice now, so no excuses for not being a rabid fan. Seeing her singing about kissing girls, toking, and not giving a fuck about your judgmental neighbors and then pick up two awards was my personal highlight. Forget gay marriage - conservatives should really be up in arms about liberals coming for their precious country music!
I can still taste Ringo's taint on my breath after all that secondhand Beatles ass-licking that I was exposed to.
I appreciate Daft Punk for giving us a hint of the future. Hearing humans having to repeatedly say, "The robots want me to thank…" foretells a time when humans will be doing the robots' bidding.
I didn't realize it was possible, but LL Cool J is even worse at hosting an event than he is at writing a song about race relations in America.
I came in 6th out of 870 people at predicting the Grammy winners because that shit is really easy to figure out. When in doubt, bet on the lamer, mainstream option.
I can think of no less romantic way to get married than with an impersonal, mass ceremony conducted by Queen Latifah sandwiched in between Macklemore and Madonna performances. At least they validated the point that gay marriage is equal… ly stupid to any other kind of marriage.
I've defended Macklemore previously as a guy who is conscious of his white privilege and where he fits into the music scene, but I'm done, he's a sell out. Any points he gets for acknowledging societal ills are lost when he starts milking these flaws for his own gain. Like, dude wrote a really thoughtful song, "Wings", about consumerism and violence in the name of high priced sneakers, then sold the song to the NBA who edited it into some Nike celebrating nonsense. Fuck that noise.
I, too, am tired of being told to throw my hands up in the air, Lorde, but let's never forget that she's not even the best "Lordi" in the music industry.
Did you all swoon real hard for Kacey Musgraves, too? Memba I toldja about her at least twice now, so no excuses for not being a rabid fan. Seeing her singing about kissing girls, toking, and not giving a fuck about your judgmental neighbors and then pick up two awards was my personal highlight. Forget gay marriage - conservatives should really be up in arms about liberals coming for their precious country music!
2014-01-22
I'll Take That as a No
- Allison:I saw Varsity Blues on my first date ever. I met Kenny at the mall and he gave he a Beanie Baby.
- Me:Did it last?
- Allison:I don't know, I'd have to check my closet.
- Me:[makes a horrified face while considering the notion that Kenny has been tied up in a closet for 13 years] Oh, I meant the relationship, not the Beanie Baby.
2014-01-20
2014-01-14
A Miscarriage of Word Choice
For the record, "Did you hear about Patty*? She's not pregnant anymore," is not the best way to convey to me that Patty gave birth to her baby.
2014-01-13
Damn, CareerBuilder, You Got Me Pegged
I honestly wouldn't know the first thing... I can't even dress myself.
2014-01-09
Obnoxious
While attending a wedding, I decided to be polite and reintroduce myself to an older woman I've only met once or twice and haven't seen in about 20 years.
"Hello, I'm Kev…"
She cut in immediately. "I remember you, you were such an obnoxious kid."
I froze in panic and checked her face to see if there was a hint of humor in this accusation, but it was genuine contempt. "Uh," I stammered. She either didn't pick up on my discomfort or didn't care.
"You were the most obnoxious kid. I was just thinking about you the other day and how obnoxious you were."
I didn't even know how to respond to this woman. Did she want me to apologize for some unspecified "obnoxious" thing I did in my early childhood? Her adult children seemed mortified but didn't come to my defense, so I just stared back at the woman, my mouth slightly agape, long enough for her to add one more, "Just so obnoxious!" I couldn't decide whether I was more disgusted with the words she was saying, or the fact that she spit when she spoke.
At this point, the woman had called me obnoxious four times in just fifteen seconds. As tempted as I was to call her out, I wasn't about to get in a fight at my friend's wedding.
Instead, I simply said, "I have to go" and walked away. Granted, it was pretty dumb because I obviously had nowhere else in particular to go at a wedding reception that had only just begun, but how much longer did I have to put up with a woman who was insulting my youthful former self? And "obnoxious" four times? Bitch, get a thesaurus.
Whatever, her unpleasantness spared me the trouble of having to make pleasantries with her. I may have been obnoxious as a kid, but at least I'm not an obnoxious adult.
"Hello, I'm Kev…"
She cut in immediately. "I remember you, you were such an obnoxious kid."
I froze in panic and checked her face to see if there was a hint of humor in this accusation, but it was genuine contempt. "Uh," I stammered. She either didn't pick up on my discomfort or didn't care.
"You were the most obnoxious kid. I was just thinking about you the other day and how obnoxious you were."
I didn't even know how to respond to this woman. Did she want me to apologize for some unspecified "obnoxious" thing I did in my early childhood? Her adult children seemed mortified but didn't come to my defense, so I just stared back at the woman, my mouth slightly agape, long enough for her to add one more, "Just so obnoxious!" I couldn't decide whether I was more disgusted with the words she was saying, or the fact that she spit when she spoke.
At this point, the woman had called me obnoxious four times in just fifteen seconds. As tempted as I was to call her out, I wasn't about to get in a fight at my friend's wedding.
Instead, I simply said, "I have to go" and walked away. Granted, it was pretty dumb because I obviously had nowhere else in particular to go at a wedding reception that had only just begun, but how much longer did I have to put up with a woman who was insulting my youthful former self? And "obnoxious" four times? Bitch, get a thesaurus.
Whatever, her unpleasantness spared me the trouble of having to make pleasantries with her. I may have been obnoxious as a kid, but at least I'm not an obnoxious adult.
2014-01-07
2013-12-30
The Fire Drill
When I was a young kid, our town had a “Fire Safety Week”, so my mom thought it would be a good idea to run a fire drill in our own home to learn an escape plan in case of an emergency.
From my bedroom, my best route outside was down the staircase and out the front door. At our house, though, the front door was mainly ornamental. We always entered and exited through one of the side doors, so the front door actually stayed double latched.
For the drill, my parents sounded a fake alarm. I ran down the stairs to the door. Seconds were of the essence in this hypothetical scenario, but I struggled with the locks and couldn’t get the door open. When I didn’t arrive at the the designated meeting area out front, my parents came to look for me as I still tried to get the door open.
My mom showed me how to open the door, but when she put it to me to replicate what she had done, I still couldn’t figure out how to unlock it on my own. After a couple more of my failed attempts, she said, “I’m sure in a real emergency you’d figure out how to open it.”
Yeah, good drill. HOW AM I EVEN STILL ALIVE?
From my bedroom, my best route outside was down the staircase and out the front door. At our house, though, the front door was mainly ornamental. We always entered and exited through one of the side doors, so the front door actually stayed double latched.
For the drill, my parents sounded a fake alarm. I ran down the stairs to the door. Seconds were of the essence in this hypothetical scenario, but I struggled with the locks and couldn’t get the door open. When I didn’t arrive at the the designated meeting area out front, my parents came to look for me as I still tried to get the door open.
My mom showed me how to open the door, but when she put it to me to replicate what she had done, I still couldn’t figure out how to unlock it on my own. After a couple more of my failed attempts, she said, “I’m sure in a real emergency you’d figure out how to open it.”
Yeah, good drill. HOW AM I EVEN STILL ALIVE?
2013-12-29
Bowled Over
Kevin: [pointing and laughing at a kid near us who somehow managed to get his bowling ball stuck in the gutter DESPITE having the bumpers up]
Amber: [whispers] Don't do that! He's mentally handicapped.
Kevin: Oh my gosh! I didn't realize! Whoops!
Amber: I'm just kidding, I was trying to make you feel bad.
Kevin: [swats at Amber] Ugh, you're horrible, I believed you!
[a few minutes later]
Amber: You know, I think that kid is actually mentally handicapped after all.
Kevin: I was just starting to realize that myself…
WHOOPS X2!
(Moral: don't call someone mentally handicapped because they might actually be mentally handicapped.)
Amber: [whispers] Don't do that! He's mentally handicapped.
Kevin: Oh my gosh! I didn't realize! Whoops!
Amber: I'm just kidding, I was trying to make you feel bad.
Kevin: [swats at Amber] Ugh, you're horrible, I believed you!
[a few minutes later]
Amber: You know, I think that kid is actually mentally handicapped after all.
Kevin: I was just starting to realize that myself…
WHOOPS X2!
(Moral: don't call someone mentally handicapped because they might actually be mentally handicapped.)
2013-12-28
Bag of Butts
Huh? I refuse to click on the link on principle because I'm committed to whatever the opposite of "keeping up" with the Kardashians is, but I'm really curious about what a "bag of butts"is. It sounds like the punchline to a joke my sister would tell when she was ten.
"What'd you get me for Christmas?"
"A bag of butts!"
2013-12-24
We Don't Go to Church on Christmas Eve Anymore
For most of my life, I've attended TWO services on Christmas Eve: one protestant and one Catholic to appease both sides of my family. I'm no longer obligated to attend either, though, not because I'm old enough to make my own decisions, but because the churches have forced our hands.
The protestant church stopped being a requirement when the married minister got a teenager in the congregation pregnant. Surprisingly, church-goers found it difficult to stomach hearing the dude preach the good word after that, my family included.
After a prolonged process, the church hired a new pastor. He's easily 350 pounds. I can't help but guess that he was chosen in part because they figured no teenage girl would want to have sex with him. I suppose we could start going to church again because of the new pastor, but the whole thing is tarnished. Christmas especially - all of the celebration over a religious birth from a young, unwed mother still hits a little too close to home after the last guy, if you get my drift.
Right now you may be thinking, "If that's what stops you from going to the protestant church, the Catholic church story must be downright scandalous!"
It's not, though. There are no sexy secrets that I know of at this particular Catholic church, but even supposing that the priest knocked up a teen girl, they'd just call the baby a miracle and put it in the manger for the nativity play. By now, Catholics have just learned to ignore the hypocrisy - the sermon could literally be about the virtues of being a ChiMo and you'd still have one thousand people sitting in the pews because it's Christmas Eve and you can't skip church on Christmas Eve.
I am the exception that gets to skip church on Christmas Eve, however, because the Catholic side of my family is now mostly dead, so there's not much peer pressure. Besides, the sermons are awful. The priest literally just reads Christian-themed email forwards as his sermons like the bogus one about the hero marine punching an atheist professor (fucking liberals!) on God's behalf. One Christmas, the sermon was about a disfigured man who started going to an Australian Catholic church for solace - the priest then hooked the ugly man up with a talented plastic surgeon and made him into a handsome man. That man went on to be… ACTOR MEL GIBSON! First, I don't get what this tale had to do with Christmas, but second, as any idiot who has visited Snopes can tell you, the story is absolutely not true. Then again, if the priest had a problem dressing up falsehoods as fact, he'd be in a different profession altogether.
Even with all of that in mind, the number one reason we don't attend the Catholic service anymore is actually the choir. It is the worst choir you've ever heard. It's a buncha adults bleating out Christmas hymns as if they were goats. They couldn't be more out of tune if they tried. Maybe at rehearsals half of them practice going sharp, while the other half goes flat just to mess the congregation. When I briefly entertained the thought of attending mass this year, I then remembered this one hellbeast's annual solo/slaughtering of "O' Holy Night" and decided that the nicest gift I could give to my ears this holiday is not putting them through that.
So, yeah, no church for me. And I'm pretty okay with that.
Merry Christmas from my family to yours!
The protestant church stopped being a requirement when the married minister got a teenager in the congregation pregnant. Surprisingly, church-goers found it difficult to stomach hearing the dude preach the good word after that, my family included.
After a prolonged process, the church hired a new pastor. He's easily 350 pounds. I can't help but guess that he was chosen in part because they figured no teenage girl would want to have sex with him. I suppose we could start going to church again because of the new pastor, but the whole thing is tarnished. Christmas especially - all of the celebration over a religious birth from a young, unwed mother still hits a little too close to home after the last guy, if you get my drift.
Right now you may be thinking, "If that's what stops you from going to the protestant church, the Catholic church story must be downright scandalous!"
It's not, though. There are no sexy secrets that I know of at this particular Catholic church, but even supposing that the priest knocked up a teen girl, they'd just call the baby a miracle and put it in the manger for the nativity play. By now, Catholics have just learned to ignore the hypocrisy - the sermon could literally be about the virtues of being a ChiMo and you'd still have one thousand people sitting in the pews because it's Christmas Eve and you can't skip church on Christmas Eve.
I am the exception that gets to skip church on Christmas Eve, however, because the Catholic side of my family is now mostly dead, so there's not much peer pressure. Besides, the sermons are awful. The priest literally just reads Christian-themed email forwards as his sermons like the bogus one about the hero marine punching an atheist professor (fucking liberals!) on God's behalf. One Christmas, the sermon was about a disfigured man who started going to an Australian Catholic church for solace - the priest then hooked the ugly man up with a talented plastic surgeon and made him into a handsome man. That man went on to be… ACTOR MEL GIBSON! First, I don't get what this tale had to do with Christmas, but second, as any idiot who has visited Snopes can tell you, the story is absolutely not true. Then again, if the priest had a problem dressing up falsehoods as fact, he'd be in a different profession altogether.
Even with all of that in mind, the number one reason we don't attend the Catholic service anymore is actually the choir. It is the worst choir you've ever heard. It's a buncha adults bleating out Christmas hymns as if they were goats. They couldn't be more out of tune if they tried. Maybe at rehearsals half of them practice going sharp, while the other half goes flat just to mess the congregation. When I briefly entertained the thought of attending mass this year, I then remembered this one hellbeast's annual solo/slaughtering of "O' Holy Night" and decided that the nicest gift I could give to my ears this holiday is not putting them through that.
So, yeah, no church for me. And I'm pretty okay with that.
Merry Christmas from my family to yours!
2013-12-22
17 With Him
Hmm, is this an appropriate way to interact with a Facebook "friend" I haven't had contact with in many years?
2013-12-16
BEST MUSIC VIDEO OF ALL TIME
"Best music video of all time" is the kind of praise that someone says hyperbolically, and then repeats for another music video three months later, but I feel pretty confident I will never retract my feelings of adoration for "All Night Long."
The Lionel Richie song was released two months after I was born, but somehow I didn't realize how amazing it was until hanging out with friends Saturday night. I still can't figure out how it popped into my head originally, but I put it on Spotify. And that I put it on Spotify again. Over the course of the night, I think we listened to the song about ten times. Each time was as good as the first, and by 2 am we were just full on dancing to it on repeat. We turned the title into something literal.
When I got home in the wee hours, I somehow still wasn't sick of the song, which is when I watched the music video. I didn't think the song could be improved upon, but the visuals are killer. Richie has Michael Jackson's "Beat It" outfit on loan six months too late, but instead of interacting with hooligans, Richie is prancing around with disillusioned 80s people in bright pastels. With Richie's help, everyone is transformed by the power of dancing in the street.
My favorite part is obviously the youngest girl in traditional dress who is way late on her cue and clearly doesn't know the steps, but is still too cute to edit out of the final cut of the video. But my second favorite part is a 500-way tie for all of the other dancers. I want to learn every person's individual moves because it makes me so happy.
If I hire a choreographer, would you all help me recreate this music video? It's all I want to do with my life.
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