My (Earnest) Advice to Friends on How to Watch the New Season of Arrested Development Is the Same Kind of Thing You'd Hear a Youth Minister Tell Preteens about Sex

• You've been waiting years for this, don't rush it before you're completely ready now. 
• Hold off until you can share it with someone you love. 
• This is a gift from God, a privilege not to be taken lightly. 
• Just because all of your friends did it quickly doesn't mean you have to, too. 
• You'll never be able to experience the magic of the first time again, so make sure it's special. 
• If you get drunk and do 15 all in one night, you're going to regret it the next morning.